and life continues on

Wow time flies, it seems I have been negligent in posting for three whole months. Tsk tsk, this was not intentional on my behalf. It happened more due to my being caught up in life, you know how that goes I am sure.

So let's bring you up to speed on where life has taken me, I'll keep it brief and just hit the high points. Then as I start to blog again more often, you'll have some frame of reference for things.

Currently I have a head and chest cold and Jason is over due for his post vasectomy cum in a cup appointment.

Last month I turned 39 years old and celebrated with a trip to Las Vegas. While in Vegas, Jason and I finally were married, it was all previously planned and we even did it live on the internet. The ceremony was progressive and exactly what we wanted it to be for us. Want to watch it, write me and I'll send you the link.

The end of this month Pickle will be two, its rather remarkable how fast he is growing up. My daughter will be eighteen soon and the difference between raising them both is just night and day.

The Lounge turned four this month already, it's kinda crazy. Over 2000 members at this point, this next year is a time of great change for my professionally.

My relationships continue strong and steady. Allena's cancer has been kicked and she made the decision to forgo augmentation and during it all she met someone super special to her. Amy remains a spit fire and so not one to fit into a label and the rest of the tribe are quite seriously more of a handful than I am.

Ben makes me laugh and reminds me to give myself a break now and again, I admire his outlook on life. Marilyn is the friend I wish I had twenty years ago, she has wisdom that I cherish. Sheryl shows me that one woman is capable of so much on her own. Victoria's struggles are an obvious reminder to me to take the time to listen to others, she is a source of strength. Judy is proof that regardless of age, love and a reshaping of ones life is always possible. Lisa has shown me a steady relationship of friendship based on respect. Clive hears me and always has the time, his family values are admirable and his advice is sound.

My health has been on a slow climb out of the depths of hell thankfully, but not without much suffering, piles of money spent on drugs and a lot of medical professionals helping me. To be fair, Jason carried me through the worst of it, and when he was unable to do it any longer, the hospital was there for me to be admitted to.

We did a complete remodel on the outside of our home as well and the renovation process was enough to make me feel like running away. But it's done now and damn, does it ever look fantastic. Both Jason and the companies we hired did a way better job than I ever could have hope for.

My Taboo Sex Show touring schedule for 2011 - 2012 started last week with a four day teaching gig in Calgary. Later this week, I head off to Edmonton to do it all over again, then no more shows till January with Taboo.

It has been a time of great introspection for me these past few months, I feel as though I am coming out of a fog. The rat race had kept me busy for so long, that slowing long enough to check in with me and take care of my family and priorities was just suddenly a must do item for me.

Vows for 2011

Resolutions are something I think about each year and that's been a constant since I was about 10 years old.

When I was younger, one resolution I made every year that I also failed, was "Grow my nails out and stop biting them". I made that vow every single year, and within days was chewing on my fingernails again sadly. It took me till I was an adult, to stop this bad habit.

When I was a teenager I had a resolution for a number of years, to " be married". That lasted but a couple of years before I grew up enough to realize that I wanted partners, not "a" partner.

As a young adult, my more mature resolutions revolved around making amends with my family of origin. I tried, only to learn the lesson that there is a reason for most family break downs and sometimes that means relationships are not salvageable.

In my late twenties my resolutions were to be a good single parent, find enough work to pay my bills, and for us to live well rounded lives. Success was ours wearily.

In my early thirties my goals were around activism, personal pride and internal strength. I surpassed my expectations.

The last few years, my resolutions have encompassed creating new life, recreating our family unit, building an empire, and developing the skills sets necessary to survive and thrive professionally and personally.

2011 is the year of health.
2011 is the year of wealth.
2011 is the year of community.

Tattoo Vancouver

It's time for some ink. I know what I want and I'm soon to head out to acquire it.

My last tattoo was well over a decade ago now. And my last body modification was over two years.

For those of you who remember, two and a bit years ago, both Jason and I had our genitals pierced, he had a PA done and I had a vertical hood piercing put in.

Then right before we decided to start trying to have a baby, I put a deposit down to get some work done on my back panel. Currently, there are two hearts on my back held tight together wrapped in handcuffs. Then cracking between the hearts and running down my shoulder blade and back is a single tail whip. It's older now and all done in black and gray hues - it's the pop and explosion of color that I want to add now all these years later.

Once the pregnancy was confirmed, there was no tattoo for me. Many places and artists won't tattoo a pregnant woman and I was no longer (temporarily) interested. Normally a deposit would be forfeited but luckily not in this case.

At the end of this month, Pickle will be 1 year old and finally, my life and body is returning to something familiar again. And with the return of life, I am reminded that since I have already paid the deposit for new ink, it is time to book myself an appointment to bring this all to fruition.

Today I Reflect

Thirty eight years ago today I entered this world, bloody and screaming.

All these years later and I am still making a mess and kicking up a storm.

Happy Birthday to me.

And to all of you who are joining in on my birthday celebration later this evening, I'll see you soon.

Kleenex Tissue

The plague has non consensually entered our household and I have been hit, hard. Its like there is concrete block in the middle of the chest, my eyes are burning and my me entire body is so weary.

I lack the ability to take medication well as a patient because swallowing pills is very difficult for me. But, I am so unwell right now, that I have forgotten my pill phobia and I am downing day and night time cold medication.

This illness feels as though it's going to settle in for awhile. It would be so wonderful if by Thursday, my birthday, I was feeling better.

Keep your fingers crossed!

Fail

And with a THUD, the shoe bounced off the hallway wall and promptly ricocheted across the room falling to the ground as abruptly as it had taken flight.

My chest tightened, my breath got short and I could barely think straight.

My god damn wallet was missing and I just knew, that it had been lost.

Convinced of it's disappearance, and believing it never to see the light of day again, my anxiety was through the roof.

"I can't do it anymore, I just can't ..... there is not enough of me to go around" ...."I fucking give up". And then, I stormed out of the room vibrating with angst.

Twenty minutes later of back tracking through my life, numerous phone calls and digging through bags and VOILA. There stood Jason in front of me, holding my Ed Hardy wallet.

Not missing, not stolen, simply misplaced. By me. I had misplaced my wallet and my whole outburst was irrational and unnecessary.

It was all I could do to steer myself into a kitchen chair. Jason pulled up a seat next to me. With out a word, he just gazed deeply into my eyes with such love and compassion, all I could do was sob uncontrollably.

When I able to grab hold of my composure, all I could say was, "I'm sorry".

I'm so sorry that I can't do it all. I'm sorry that I'm having a hard time being everything I want to be. I'm - just - sorry.

So that's my story and I am sticking to it.

Our baby is nine a half months old. Our business is almost three years old. This is a time of tremendous growth again for me personally and professionally. And navigating it, is challenging me.

To remedy this situation and to alleviate some of the pressure I am feeling as a working mother, we are now investigating part time day care.

Now that you know where I am at in life, let's return to regular scheduled programming and blogging.

Down Time

Tomorrow my family leaves for the weekend. They are off to the island and I remain at home, all-by-my-self.

JOY

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT


No specific plans for my sixty hours alone, but rest assured, there will be trouble.

I'm now taking offers.

Contract Talk

This morning at four I awoke thanks to my alarm, dressed and headed to the airport. From there I caught a plane on a prepaid round trip ticket out of Province for the day.

I was met at my destination by a car and driver, then driven to the corporate offices of the entity that is trying to "buy me".

A day long meeting with the team and a personal interview with the president left me exhilarated. Then I was asked the big question "how much money would they need to pay me" for me to do for them what they are asking.

Flying home late this afternoon, I slept.

Life is about to get even more exciting.

Work Over Load

My life is crazy right now and this is an understatement.

In our house is a teenager readying for year end exams by studying like mad and a five month old teething and going through a developmental growth spurt.

I am plagued by CDIFF and wish for nothing more than to be rid of this horrible infection, it is so unpredictable, painful and nasty. Tomorrow I visit the hospital yet again for more tests and Friday the doctor sees me with the results and a new plan for getting me well.


In eight days I fly out of Province for a day of negotiations with a large corporation that is waving at me money, opportunity and career notoriety. Then fourteen hours after I return from this whirlwind visit.... I leave for Europe on an action packed and greatly anticipated trip through London, Berlin and Paris.

Between now and my departure I have four private coaching appointments, four large events at The Lounge and I still need to pack, get my hair done, have a mani/pedi, complete my banking, do a small mountain of paperwork and lest I forget .... sleep.

Somewhere in all of this I also have to fit in family time, cooking, laundry, caring for a infant, uploading the June calendar, emptying my in-box and commuting time to accomplish all that I need to.

Any idea how to get more hours in a day? Personally, I am at a loss.

Growing Up Sheltered & Hurt

When I look back on my life as a young person (childhood through adolescence) I am amazed and saddened at how little exposure I was given to anything empowering that would have shown me the potential for me to be able to grow into the adult that I so wanted to become.

My parents did a piss poor job exposing me to new ideas & concepts, positive self thinking, dream realization and role models.

I shaped my own life and embarked on my own journey of discovery rather young. I was about 13 when I started branching out away from my family and witnessing the world through new lenses.

My teenage years were turbulent but I owned this period of time in my life. I wanted an adventure and I set about having one. Variety was the flavor of the day and each day I sampled something different voraciously. I was deeply hurt by the sheltering existence my parents had blanketed me under and wanted to brush these memories away in favor of newer better ones.

I was inquisitive, positive and believing in myself even though my mother was so hateful towards me. My father was deeply inappropriate and had poor boundary setting skills. Neither of my parents was very responsible with their child rearing and as such my brother and I payed the price for their ignorance.

My mother was by far the single most damaging person to my young self. She treated me in ways my children will never experience thankfully. My mother was cruel and unhappy and she lashed out at me, her eldest. My mother hurt me without mercy emotionally and physically. Due to her actions towards me I vowed from a young age to never ever be anything like her and to rise above that type of behavior to be happier, open-minded and more self aware. I knew my children would know unconditional love, acceptance and live without shame, and they do.

My mother set about to damn anything I ever believed in, longed for or cherished. My father invested in nothing and it showed in everything he was involved with.

Today in my adult life, I am without doubt fairly close to being what I had hoped to become while I was dreaming as a youngster. Seems odd perhaps to say this given that I deal today in sexuality and adult oriented business, but it is true. I wanted to be progressive, sex positive, tolerant and adventurous and I have accomplished this all.

Despite hurdles that seemed insurmountable at the time, and years of cautiously making my way, I have arrived happy to a most rewarding place in life.

My children will have every opportunity to open their wings and fly in their own direction of choice with me fully supporting them.

Kink Diet

It struck me the other day that I am not my usual dominant self as of late. It's been a while in fact. Don't get me wrong, I still am a Dominant with the desire to do dark things to others. However I currently lack the energy and eventual follow through necessary to pull off the big scenes that I love to create.

The images of what I would do to someone are constantly in my thoughts. I certainly do not lack imagination.

Play partners are everywhere, I need not even have to look for them as they throw themselves before me.

Implements I have in abundance, in fact an entire room full in our house. The tools to deliver a punch are all within reach.

Play space I have, 3000 sq feet of it, a dedicated playground with everything imaginable.

Perhaps I need to bottom to someone before I can put out as a Top again.

Either way, one thing is certain. My hunger for play is still there, it just seems that I have been on a kinky diet lately.

An Ordinary Day

Yesterday was a fairly ordinary Saturday for me, here are a few highlights worth mentioning

• I taught 11 women how to give scrumptious blow jobs and expert hand jobs
• I had my photo taken as I spanked a long time woman friend
• Jason and I had sex at a party on a gynecological table
  
• I massaged two nude women's breasts, using my own oiled breasts
• I kissed a woman who had never been kissed by a woman
• Two different women asked me for sex
• I watched a group of 7 people rimming, doing oral and tit fucking
• We received two lovely baby gifts from different friends
• The teenager looked after Pickle while we went to work last night
• Introduced 2 of my friends to one another, they hit it off and got it on
  
• I blew Jason
• Jason went down on me
• My man tied up a woman at the party
• Jason hit a lesbian repetitively with his penis (it was really funny)
• I was on a bed with 5 good friends, only 3 of which I've ever been intimate with.
• A film company asked to borrow some of my high end sex toys for an upcoming shoot
  

Head Meet Wall

I struggle. The balancing act of motherhood is taking its toll on me.

The last number of years I have spent working diligently to gain the exposure that has brought me to where I am today in my career. It has been taxing beyond belief yet I managed to pull it off --- most days.

There is a routine to my life that is family, work, work, work, self care, sleep. Family, work, work, work, self care, sleep. Repeat over and over again. I work A LOT.

My new routine is family, care for baby, work, care for baby, care for baby, care for baby, self care, sleep. And repeat.

I find it difficult not to work, at my core is a drive to be on the go and moving forward at all times.

Lately I feel as though I am going no where fast.

It takes so much just to get the simplest things completed. What four months ago what took me ten minutes, now takes upwards of an hour. This makes my head spin.

I miss my pace and I am challenged when it comes to scaling back. My goals are lofty so you can imagine how this all is affecting me.

Being a new mother again is all that I wanted and the little man sure is all shades of awesome.

But I find myself wanting to put my head through a wall some days.

Today I had a To-List of items that really needed to be done. The day started off well and then just turned into a gong show.

The baby projectile vomited all over me twice and all over the floor twice, with a big fat SPLAT. Instead of napping for his usual hour twice, no such luck, each nap was only ten minutes at best. This was the day he chose to be suddenly clingy, not wanting to be out of my arms. At fifteen pounds he's heavy to haul everywhere. I even had to sit him on my lap when I needed to pee. There was no way that I could not give him what he needed, so instead I gave up on my To Do List and focused completely on him.

Then at bed time, he had a melt down. He screamed for forty five minutes. Unheard of, so uncharacteristic of him. He screamed, I sighed loudly and repetitively. Jason stepped in and finally got the little fellow to sleep. Which of course made me feel like a big ole failure.

Is it so much to strive to be successful in my career, raise two kids (one a teenager & the other four months old), be a wife, run a household, travel, and feel accomplished?

I can do this can't I? Sure I can, if I try hard enough and learn to prioritize better. Surely this is possible. Because if it's not, I may as well give up trying now and save myself the heart ache and disappointment attached to letting go of my dreams.

Let me find the strength to move forward with tomorrow, because today sucked the big one.

Medical Crap

The nurse came by today as I am a part of the home IV program, and I was due for my regular check-in. Sitting at the kitchen table she undid my dressings and cleaned my PICC site. Then she set about trying to draw some blood and attempting to flush my line. (I normally do these things, but once a week she does it and then completes some paperwork on how it went)

Let's just say that I was greatly disturbed when time and time again she unable to get a draw on blood from my line. Then finally she tried to flush the line and it was really, really difficult to push through.

Another problem and not one that a home nurse can fix. She bandaged me back up and left for her office. She called about 90 minutes later to say that the hospital was expecting me and to make my way there.

Off I went, with the Pickle and Jason in tow. Into the Emergency room, where we were treated fast and very well. (a perk as Jason works there and most know him)

I had TPA pushed into my PICC. It's a blood thinner and it breaks down clots. Seems I had a clot on the end of my line and it needed to be cleared. Oh joy. It scared me half to death to get blood thinners and to know that I had a clot too.

A few hours after arriving I was bandaged back up, my pump was turned back on, and I was sent home. Minus the blood clot.

It's crazy the amount of stress this whole situation has created. And on Monday, I will be half way through the minimum number of weeks of treatment that have been ordered. I'll be so glad to get my next MRI to see where things are at in my jaw currently.

Make-Over

It's to be expected I suppose. I barely feel very womanly these days.

Between being a patient, a milk dispenser and a poo changer, the opportunity to spend time on myself has been non existent.

I really need an appointment for a hair cut and color. Another booking for a manicure and a pedicure. And of course an hour and a half with my massage therapist.

Though all the work in the world could be done on me to make the shell look awesome, yet in my closet is next to nothing that fits my frame properly. A shopping trip is necessary to find some new pieces for me to mix and match with what I already have so I can feel attractive again as I go about life in some properly fitting clothes.

I've not worn cosmetics in months and my beauty regime is at a complete stand still. Some days just brushing my teeth is an accomplishment and bathing is down right difficult. My right arm has to stay dry and my pump has to be hung in the tub with me --- shaving is comical and I'm lucky I've not cut off a labia lip as I fumble an attempt to make myself smooth.

Finding clothes that fit over my PICC line is not impossible but truly not easy. Finding new bras that support my nursing breasts is necessary. New slacks and a pair of yoga pants are a must, and with these I also require new sensible shoes with no heel. I have virtually no flats what so ever.


Getting the time away from the baby for some me time is going to be a challenge yet I know I need to make the effort to do these things so I feel better about myself.

Wish me luck.

Troublesome things

Here are but a few things that are currently plaguing me...

• My baby is a poo machine.
• I wish I had another set of hands.
• The alarm on my pump keeps going off.
• Exhaustion is a side effect of my medication.
• Sleep deprivation is what happens when one has an infant.
• An orgasm would be nice.
• Shaving is difficult with a PICC line.
• The Jeep needs to see a mechanic.
• The Lounge still needs more volunteer hours to complete our plans.
• A hair cut, manicure and massage seem like a far away dream.
• I have no books to read that are not work or baby related.

What's important

I am an over achiever.

I am hard on myself.

I feel as though I am falling behind in life.

It is obviously time to reassess my priorities.

Health issues and a new born are soaking every last morsel of energy I have from my reserves.

Sexual Resolutions

I have decided to dedicate this year, 2010, to be the year that I complete many resolutions surrounding sex and sexuality. By embarking on this journey I hope to reap many rewards for my efforts.

1. enjoy more multiple orgasms rather than singular ones
2. peg more men just for fun: no strings attached
3. share my fantasies with those who inspire them
4. bring to fruition / act out, that which turns me on
5. make more time for my sexual appetite to be satiated
6. buy new sexy panties & wear them every day
7. wear garter belts & stockings more often
8. if I find someone attractive, tell them
9. when lusting after a person, share it with them while being open to where this could go
10. grow my hair back out
11. bed down with women for mutual pleasure when possible
12. get new silky sheets for our bed and new pillow
13. buy a sexy new robe and nightie
14. have my teeth whitened
15. sit on Jason's lap more often and
16. get our baby out of our bed and into his own
17. loose the rest of my pregnancy weight (8 pounds to go)
18. maintain getting pedicures as I love having pampered feet
19. read more erotica
20. go see female strippers with friends
21. take a strip tease class
22. learn to salsa
23. plan a weekend away with Jason filled with debauchery
24. replace my belly button jewelry with something new & sexy
25. wear cosmetics when out more often
26. take a cosmetics class for an exotic and evening look
    
27. give plenty of orgasms to others, expecting nothing in return

PICC Line & Pump

Last Tuesday morning I had my second MRI in six weeks. The first I had when the baby was one day old and now this most recent one. On both occasions they were looking at my jaw, and specifically the state of my jaw bone.

On September 30th I had my upper and lower wisdom teeth removed on the right side of my face. This was due to them coming in suddenly and causing me some serious angst. And of course, the lower one was impacted badly and had abscessed. This of course was a dental and medical nightmare given that I was six months pregnant.

The dental surgeon I was sent to removed them with rapid speed and we all hoped that would be the end of this poorly timed disaster. Within days, I was diagnosed with Dry Socket, a very painful nerve affliction along the lower jaw as a (somewhat common) complication of an extraction.

Tending to the infection proved difficult for the dental surgeon and it raged in my mouth for weeks. I repeatedly visited the dentist to seek help, yet nothing was done.


The pain became so severe in my head that I ended up in hospital and getting morphine to help me cope with it as doctors set about plotting my recovery. Dentists visits got me no where, it was only the hospital that started to look at me with a serious eye and noticed that the infection was deep. This meant it was no longer a dental issue and now a medical one.

My labor was induced due to many complications, including of course, the dental stress I was experiencing. I had been on twice a day IV therapy for 8 days prior to giving birth and four days after wards to try and kill of the infection in my mouth. This meant driving to the hospital every morning and ever night so they could hook me up to an IV bag of medication to the catheter they had inserted in my arm and left there for convenience.

The whole thing was wearing me down emotionally and physically and still my jaw pain raged on. I gained no weight the last 6 weeks of my pregnancy. I could barely eat. Talking hurt. My jaw was swollen, black goo oozed out of my mouth. My teeth felt like they were electrified and of course, I vomited a lot from the meds, the stress and the infection.

An Infectious Disease doctor was called in to look at my jaw and she was the one who first ordered the MRI that showed Osteomyelitis. This was not good news, but hey, it appeared it was in it's early stage still and they hoped the strong dose of IV antibiotics I was on would knock it out.

Last week the ID doctor ordered the second MRI to check on my jaw and the results were not good, I have degeneration of my jaw bone even further, have Osteomyelitis even worse now and something must be done to stop it's spread into my bones even deeper. Further the MRI showed a piece of wisdom tooth still lurking in the now closed over surgical hole in my lower jaw.

On Monday something radical is being done. I am having a PICC line inserted, it will be in me for quite some time. This procedure is what is ordered when someone needs long term IV therapy and it has to be continuous. Mine is being inserted in a deep vein in my left arm at the elbow, pushed up my arm across my chest, then down to just above my heart.

After the PICC line is in, I can be given constant medication through a pump that I will be wearing for what will be a minimum of six weeks. Bone infections are dangerous, really dangerous, so clearing it up is critical. Mix this in with the fact that I am perinatal and breast feeding and I am a wee bit of a worry for my doctor.

Tuesday the IV home therapy nurse is coming to our house to teach me how to operate the apparatus and to ensure I understand all that I need to. They will also be visiting me a couple times a week to check on my progress. You see, years back someone with my condition would have been hospitalized, luckily these days, I get to remain at home.

Now I await a surgery date to have my wisdom tooth socket reopened, cleaned out and that fragment removed finally. It's been three and half months of torture, and it's now become obvious that we need to sue the dental surgeon who did such a dodgy job to begin with in handling my case.

You might as well know, I am nervous as hell. This whole thing from the PICC line to surgery is mind bogglingly scary. A two foot long catheter shoved through my vein while I am awake is not something I feel positive about, in fact, it terrifies me. Lucky for me, they are given me some sedation to make the process easier to handle.

More of Me

I have not found the drive to resume regular blogging.

If interested in what's going on in my life, you can follow my Twitter account for mini multiple updates each day.

My Twitter account can be seen by looking down the right hand side column on my blog home page for the large blue box.

Or by going to my Twitter account directly.