Saturday, October 10, 2009
Don't get me wrong the fundamentals are still the same, the building blocks behind my personality, drive, education, family dynamics and heart. The change that has occurred surrounds how I see myself.
It's the weight gain and how I move that has altered my sense of self. There was a period of time in my life, about a decade ago where with all honesty I tipped the scales at two hundred pounds. My world was vastly different and I was struggling with more than a few issues, but those days and pounds were let go of a long time ago now.
It's been hard emotionally for me to watch my body change shape with this pregnancy. The first thing that shifted for me was my breasts. The fullness that came into my breasts was seen as a blessing, as larger breasts for this A cup woman was most welcome indeed. Over the last few months though they have continued to grow and now are at a whopping double D cup. They weigh a lot and as such are now hurting my back, but this post isn't about that. The extra cleavage is nice though and I do like a lot how I am now able to fill in a top, they are sexy.
My face is normally rather slender, with a strong jaw line and nose. The weight of pregnancy has made my cheeks full(er) and my chin more pronounced. I feel puffy in the face and this makes me self conscious.
My size nine feet, are currently a size ten to ten and a half, depending on the day. They have swelled from edema and my toes that were once long and thin now appear like sausages. Normally I get a pedicure now and again, though with this pregnancy, I am getting one every three weeks, just so that I can look down and see something pretty peeking out at me. It's a small luxury.
I like being able to see my vulva, this means that I can shave it with care and tend to it in such a way that makes me want to allow other people to spend time visiting me there. It's been months since I lost sight of my girl bits, I can no longer see my vulva, no matter the angle. I hate the shave job I've been giving myself and it makes me feel not well put together to find a surprise tuft of hair after my shower or bath when I have a hand mirror. Smooth makes me feel sexy.
My thighs are also out of sight, but certainly not out of mind. I miss being able to look down and see my naked whole self. I know my thighs have gained weight as the first part of my pre-pregnancy pants to no longer fit was the thigh region. All that is visible to me when I stand up-right and look down, are sadly my sausage like toes.
One would think I had some issue with my arms or hands, but no, they have not been subjected to any growth and as such remain unchanged. Thankfully.
My belly is big, and round. Perfectly normally for being as pregnant as I am, and I find it wondrous. Not beautiful, just ... as it should be. I am carrying low and this means that the little man is laying hard on my bladder regularly. Three out of the five pair of pants I bought exclusively for my pregnancy no longer fit. They are way to tight.
Stretch marks. Not a single one. This has to be the single biggest item that gives me the most amount of satisfaction. I have no red angry marks on me and not a purple line anywhere. I pray this will stay as is, as it appears that this problem is one not to be mine. I consider this a large miracle.
I have gained exactly what I should have thus far weight wise, and my doctor hasn't said a word about any of this, so I know I am within the range of normal, yet I feel clunky and awkward.
My buttocks, yeah that's right, my derriere has grown. It is more plump and full, it's growth happening right alongside with my breasts. With a larger butt, comes of course, a wider spread to my hips. I have always had child bearing hips, making me rather curvaceous. At least the bottom side and hip growth appears in a mirror to make my weight gain look proportionate. This I *think* is good news.
My self esteem is questionable these days when it comes to my appearance. I rationally know I am an attractive woman and the people who surround me keep telling me how gorgeous, radiant and glowing I am. The issue perhaps is that I am concerned about what it is going to take for me to get back to my pre-pregnancy shape and weight. It was so easy to get this large, it's part of having a baby, but resuming my life as a height weight proportionate woman is important to how I see myself and I am already longing for the chance to see my self again without all the weight.
There is still another eight weeks or so left for the little guy to continue to ready to enter the world. And as he grows, I will continue to grow to.
The end of this month, weeks before the baby is born, I turn thirty seven. The last time I gave birth I was twenty one. Recovery after giving birth, and the losing of the weight are both significantly more challenging at my age, than for someone younger.
It took me a long time in this life to accept and feel good about my body. I had huge issues around body image for years and suffered great shame over who I was as a naked woman before a mirror, or before a partner. I only came into my own in the last five years or so, and became able to celebrate my shape and beauty.
I'm worried and perhaps more honestly scared that after the baby is born, I'll return to that dark place again, of not liking my own body or even recognizing it.
My life is so busy that spending excess amounts of time obsessing about my looks is not realistic, yet I do know how damaging it can be to not see oneself as the beautiful form that we are.
Friday, October 09, 2009
Around one o'clock I crawled back into bed and promptly fell back asleep for an hour and a half by myself. The nap was crucial to my healing process as my wisdom teeth are still bothering me a lot and contractions are taking their toll too. My back is killing me and the pain meds. are continuing to make me nauseous. So yeah, the nap was needed.
After I did some work on the computer I couldn't help but note that Jason was on the sofa in his robe, reading a baby name book. (still) He's been working on his favorite names list and was at about the letter N when I decided to join him. I threw the cushions onto the floor, pushed my man over some to make more room for me and my belly, then laid myself out alongside him. Then with a blanket pulled up over us, and his arms around me we looked over baby names together. Five minutes or so into our little bonding fest, with me snuggled against his chest, I fell asleep, yet again.
When I awoke I was startled by the time. Five thirty. Yikes. I ran around the house tidying, dressing and readying for my evening of work.
Let me start by saying that Speed Dating tonight at The Lounge was a blast. Everyone was well dressed and the event went off without incident. The games I chose made it possible for each person to learn about the rest of the group and be able to disclose anything about themselves they wanted to that felt relevant to be being known better. Trust me when I say that what certain people shared was eye-opening, funny, poignant and sexy as hell. Tomorrow when I awaken I'll spend the time to hook-up everyone who signed up to be notified of all their potential matches. I so love this part of my job.
Home now and ready to head to bed. I am a real sleepy head today and I figure I should grab the sleep while I can ... because soon enough a little man will be dictating my sleep hours and I'll have little control over that period of time.
Thursday, October 08, 2009
DUNGEON PLAYERS - BDSM party
presented by Jennifer & Jason
Members & their guests only
Cost: Cash $30 person / $60 couple / $35 non member guests
Open to All Genders, Couples and Singles
Dungeon Players is a party with darker tenor. Of course everything you expect to be available will be there -- the suspension rack, spankers, gyno table, red rocket, set of stocks, cage, sex machines, bondage table, and bondage chair -- plus the super padded cage and a massage table or two.
Spankings, Bondage, Floggings, Role Play, Canings, Needle Play, Strap Ons, Fisting, D/s, and a plethora of styles of play.
Wear your leathers, bring your slave or your top; come meet someone new or play with someone different -- either way you'll have an evening to remember.
Dress code: You MUST make an effort to dress up. No street clothes, no business suits, no blue jeans, no running shoes, no athletic wear, no camouflage pants, no flannel robes, no sunglasses, and no face masks. Bar/Dancing clothing is not acceptable.
This party is open to men and women, couples and singles. Any type of sex is of course permitted at this event.
Our massage girl will be on site providing her sensuous erotic massages at $20 for 15 minutes. Sign up when you arrive.
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Thirty one weeks.
Today I am 31 weeks pregnant, and my time as a human incubator is coming to an end.
Now if we could just find a first name for the little man, we'd be doing good. He already has one middle name and a last name, but the first name is eluding us.
We've got a few more weeks left to find the perfect name for our son. Let's hope we can agree on something as Jason and I have differing tastes in names.
Monday, October 05, 2009
Our OB is pretty damn cool, sought after, and experienced. It's safe to say he is revered. I liked him from the moment that we first met. Jason chose him for us, knowing what I wanted in a doctor and since the two work at the same hospital it was a no brainer for us that "the best" would be for us.
The last month has seen the end of Summer and the beginning of Fall and during this time our pregnancy has seen more hiccups than we would have liked.
I have not gained any weight since my last appointment. Nothing, nada, zip. I likely would have put on some more poundage with all the ice cream I have been consuming, yet due to the removal of my wisdom teeth x 2 last week, ice cream is all that I have been eating. So the scale stays at the same point. This is of course good news and not the best news. Trust me when I tell you the baby is not starving.
We thought I might have a vaginal hernia due to a variety of symptoms, yet we were assured I do not. What I do have though is vaginal edema. Oh joy! My vulva or more appropriately my perineum is swollen with fluid. The answer is to wear a jock strap or really tight mens underwear. It's a good thing I have a sense of humor hey?
My blood pressure is good and the rest of my overall health is going well enough.
The teeth issue though is a big one. I was diagnosed as having a very painful phenomena called "dry socket". It happens to only 5-10% of people who have their wisdom teeth removed and is so horrid that to acquire it means people have copious amounts of empathy for you. And doctors prescribe controlled substances, namely Percocet.
The nerve that lines the bottom of my jaw is alive and on fire, making me feel as though death is a viable option to this suffering. The clot that should be filling the extraction site did not form, or fell out in pieces between the stitches, leaving the nerve exposed and sensitive to air, saliva and debris. Beyond-not-good.
Dentistry and obstetrics do not go together, so my dental surgeon and OB have been coordinating my care and the dolling out of drugs. It's been a juggling act of keeping the baby safe and ensuring I need not suffer endlessly, especially given how severe the tooth and mouth pain is. And to make matters worse, the teeth were impacted, meaning that the stitches run into my cheek and not just in my gums.
Health matters a lot. Being not well means that I feel crappy, and feeling crappy changes my emotional state as well. It's hard to be happy when wrought with overwhelming pain.
Soon enough my mouth should be feeling better and shortly there after I will be giving birth. Then we will have plenty to be celebrating and also to be recovering from.
I need an electric heating pad, or rather, my back would love a heating pad to alleviate the mid back ache that is plaguing me. Do you have one that you are willing to part with? My pregnant back would be forever grateful.
Sunday, October 04, 2009
Cookie came to the door just as I arrived in a cab. I knew instantly it was going to be another spectacular evening. She followed me up the stairs, and we entered the radiant, sexually charged air of Naughty. I promptly undressed to a braless fishnet shirt and red ruffle panties. Cookie donned pretty pink lacey lingerie and pink high heeled sandals with bubble-gum pink fur cuffs. As more people arrived, and as I waited for the hot stones to warm up in the heater in the small, semi-private massage room, Cookie showed me lube that looks entirely too much like jizz for my tastes, and massage oil that smells like orange and ginger. For twenty minutes, I lovingly rubbed her tired feet while she smiled at me and moaned in appreciation in between natural breaks in conversation.
My first sensual massage of the night was a lady with bone-straight blond hair and perfect breasts. Her small frame absorbed the heat from the stones so well, I could feel her melting beneath my touch. My second was a man of equal measure in every way masculine compares to feminine. Soft moans emanated from the adjacent room. It was his first time at Naughty, and he felt so soothed, he reported to a smiling hostess that he fell asleep on the table. He wouldn't have a hard time staying awake through what followed. As I left the room to retrieve a drink, I saw a woman, breasts tightly bound, nipples stapled with surgical staples, legs spread apart in the footholds of a gyno chair, and partner holding a Hitachi to her vulva. Her sex filled the room like steam let out of a pot. All present were watching her while a duo of women spanked a third in a dimly lit corner under a sex swing frame.
A beaming hostess presented herself in the doorway of the massage room and asked for a rub. She laid down on the table and I worked her back muscles with my hands and massage balm to her satisfaction while we conversed. I love touching this woman, and this was no exception. Next came her curiously smiling partner. I offered him a massage, and he laid down for hot stones over his entire back and down each leg. It would seem by the time I was finished, Cookie and the hostess had schemed together for a memorable use of the table on top of the cage that shared a wall with the room I was in.
The hostess announced that she was going to fist Cookie, and the room filled with anticipation. A pleasant and familiar man asked me to give him a massage, and so I happily complied. As he laid out across the massage table, Cookie laid down on top of the cage. While my hands stroked his back, arms, and legs; the hostess' hand reach inside Cookie. My hands, with stones cupped inside, illicted a calmed moan; while the hostess' fist produced a proportionally appropriate series of ecstatic screams from Cookie. As I finished up the massage I was giving, I became increasingly excited to take witness of the duo on the other side of the wall.
Turning the corner around the door frame, I laid eyes on the two women. Knees bent and legs spread, Cookie's upper thighs were already completely covered in red. As she writhed against the vixen on her knees before her, people surrounded the scene. The hostess poked fun at Cookie's shoe, which had fallen off her foot but was still held on with bubble-gum pink fur cuffs. Cookie was overcome with giggles and flushed cheeks as the scene naturally dissipated. As she collected herself, I gathered a handful of cookies and teased her about our inside joke. Just as we got ourselves into a comfortable cuddle, I was whisked away by another patron for a sensual massage.
Upon returning to the main room, I noticed an unusual interest gathering in the room with all the sex machines. I simply had to take a look, and when I did, I saw a woman in a blindfold being played with while she rode the Sybian; with another woman getting warmed up for kissing and Hitachi vibrations on her clit as she rode the Monkey Rocker. It was fantastic to watch, and I looked on in silent admiration at both of them. At my return to the kitchen, an infectiously sexy and radiant brunette informed me of how happy she was that there was plenty of paper towel to wipe up all the cum she juiced out of herself on the Monkey Rocker.
Next thing I knew, she and Cookie and I had a curly-haired temptress spread out over a futon behind the screens. We each slipped into gloves as the anticipation erupted in our recipient. As she has earned a reputation for putting out, I think the sight of three women putting on gloves had her head spinning with all the imaginings of getting a taste of her own technique. The brunette and I tackled each of her beautiful breasts while Cookie dove into her vulva with tender, gentle, and loving licks. I pulled out a microbullet and strawberry lube while Cookie slid her fingers inside. After a few minutes of tag-teaming her with the brunette on her breasts, Cookie switched places with our buxom brunette, and we triple-teamed our recipient again, with three fingers inside her, a bullet vibrator on her clit, and a mouth on her breasts.
Finally, it was my turn, and I had been waiting for it since I first watched her at a Dirty Girls party, coordinating half a dozen women including myself to fill roles of a pre-ordained group scene of girl sex. She did not disappoint as I handed the microbullet to the brunette, turned on my Lelo Gigi vibrator, and simultaneously slid it into her vagina as I probed her ass with the same hand the toy was cupped inside. I gently pumped the toy and my finger while she fucked back. Soon, all three of us were playing with her whole vulva--the shaft of her clitoris stroked, the tip rubbed, her g-spot pulsated against, and her ass clamped around my finger.
She left a pronounced wet spot when she sat up, her cheeks still flushed with the glow of orgasms. By the time we returned to the rest of the event, most of the other patrons had left for home. The entire rest of the evening was girl talk (with one particularly lucky man present), one more final massage, light caressing, and flirting across the room between women. Experiences like these could not be possible without a positively unique local community and an amazingly sexy atmosphere.