Negotiating Sex & BDSM Play

Promptly at the agreed upon hour I opened my front door to him. He walked passed me swiftly, barely giving me a glance. I could feel the tone of the room change, as our energies met. My heart beat sped up. I was nervous.

In his hands he held the tools that would be a large part of our time together. I had dressed to please, considering his preferences as I choose each piece of clothing with care.

"Fill the sink with water now" echoed through the room. I was startled at the order and it showed, it took me a moment to register what the command meant for me to do. Finding the plug, I dropped it in the drain and ran the water at full speed.

And in slow motion it began. The scene we had negotiated a week earlier started to play out around me. I was one of the two main characters.

We had agreed, he would hurt me, a lot. He would cause me great pain and suffering and would do so in a way that I found erotic. The eroticism would be what would allow me to process the pain.

I knew I was in trouble, when "water boarding" was mentioned so casually.

Fear. Terror.

Really, is this what I wanted? No.

Fuck, time to renegotiate and try and save the scene.

Successfully I divert the Top and he moves on to other plans and our play continues.

I do not get the scene that I had wanted and had been longing for. He got much of he wanted.

Disappointed? Not at all.

Grateful is more like it. I'm not one to take one for the team. Rest assured if I am not enjoying something, I'm not going to go along with it, just so you can enjoy yourself. Nope. Sorry, I'm going to blow the whistle.

One of the greatest gifts that I have learned from being in sex culture, is that opportunities are abundant. I don't need to settle, I can have anything I want and saying No is just as important as saying Yes.

Libido Lexicon 2

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Fail

And with a THUD, the shoe bounced off the hallway wall and promptly ricocheted across the room falling to the ground as abruptly as it had taken flight.

My chest tightened, my breath got short and I could barely think straight.

My god damn wallet was missing and I just knew, that it had been lost.

Convinced of it's disappearance, and believing it never to see the light of day again, my anxiety was through the roof.

"I can't do it anymore, I just can't ..... there is not enough of me to go around" ...."I fucking give up". And then, I stormed out of the room vibrating with angst.

Twenty minutes later of back tracking through my life, numerous phone calls and digging through bags and VOILA. There stood Jason in front of me, holding my Ed Hardy wallet.

Not missing, not stolen, simply misplaced. By me. I had misplaced my wallet and my whole outburst was irrational and unnecessary.

It was all I could do to steer myself into a kitchen chair. Jason pulled up a seat next to me. With out a word, he just gazed deeply into my eyes with such love and compassion, all I could do was sob uncontrollably.

When I able to grab hold of my composure, all I could say was, "I'm sorry".

I'm so sorry that I can't do it all. I'm sorry that I'm having a hard time being everything I want to be. I'm - just - sorry.

So that's my story and I am sticking to it.

Our baby is nine a half months old. Our business is almost three years old. This is a time of tremendous growth again for me personally and professionally. And navigating it, is challenging me.

To remedy this situation and to alleviate some of the pressure I am feeling as a working mother, we are now investigating part time day care.

Now that you know where I am at in life, let's return to regular scheduled programming and blogging.