Saturday, September 11, 2010

Negotiating Sex & BDSM Play

Promptly at the agreed upon hour I opened my front door to him. He walked passed me swiftly, barely giving me a glance. I could feel the tone of the room change, as our energies met. My heart beat sped up. I was nervous.

In his hands he held the tools that would be a large part of our time together. I had dressed to please, considering his preferences as I choose each piece of clothing with care.

"Fill the sink with water now" echoed through the room. I was startled at the order and it showed, it took me a moment to register what the command meant for me to do. Finding the plug, I dropped it in the drain and ran the water at full speed.

And in slow motion it began. The scene we had negotiated a week earlier started to play out around me. I was one of the two main characters.

We had agreed, he would hurt me, a lot. He would cause me great pain and suffering and would do so in a way that I found erotic. The eroticism would be what would allow me to process the pain.

I knew I was in trouble, when "water boarding" was mentioned so casually.

Fear. Terror.

Really, is this what I wanted? No.

Fuck, time to renegotiate and try and save the scene.

Successfully I divert the Top and he moves on to other plans and our play continues.

I do not get the scene that I had wanted and had been longing for. He got much of he wanted.

Disappointed? Not at all.

Grateful is more like it. I'm not one to take one for the team. Rest assured if I am not enjoying something, I'm not going to go along with it, just so you can enjoy yourself. Nope. Sorry, I'm going to blow the whistle.

One of the greatest gifts that I have learned from being in sex culture, is that opportunities are abundant. I don't need to settle, I can have anything I want and saying No is just as important as saying Yes.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Libido Lexicon 2

This is the new column that I've been contracted to write for the Taboo newsletter. Subscribe yourself on the left side of their home page so you can have their monthly installment sent directly to your in-box.

Libido Lexicon by Jennifer Skrukwa
September 2010
Column #2

There is a heightened level of eroticism found when encountering the intentional and purposeful touch of our lover’s attentions.

Gather together your supplies; it's time for an erotic adventure. Erotic decadence doesn't require much in the way of money, rather it takes a change in the patterns of our thinking; a willingness to step outside the box (and perhaps the bedroom) where patterns can become stale, experiences slightly lacking.

Some ideas:
a snug, secure fitting blindfold
bowl of ice cubes
a soft fur mitt or perhaps a feather
soy based massage candle
bottle of water based lubricant
a large blanket

Find an adventurous, yet private place to set the stage and begin your erotic exploration. Perhaps your living room floor, out in the woods on a summer day, or atop the dining room table. The more remarkable the setting, the more memorable the encounter. Recall some of the most erotic experiences of your younger years and recreate it.

For today, one of you will be the leader, the other, the follower.

Lay out your blanket. Undress your partner while telling them of your plan to seduce them. Soft murmured sounds and slightly lewd words will fan the flames. Kiss them. Help them lay themselves out on the blanket. Put the blindfold over their eyes. Tell them how sexy they are, and what most you love about their body.

Slowly plant kisses all over their naked flesh. Kiss each eye lid, kisses soft and light as a butterfly wing. Put a kiss on the end of the nose and multiple quick small pecks all over the neck. Allow your tongue to dip out and taste their flesh. Kiss your lover across the chest and hover your mouth over each nipple, allowing the warmth of your breath to perk it up. Kiss the nipple with well licked wet lips. Kiss a trail down the belly. Between each kiss allow soft moans to rise from you and whisper across their being. Kiss deeply the right calf, knee and then inner thigh. Do the same to the left side. Brush kisses as close to the genitals as possible, without actually touching them. Kisses starting small and progressing rapidly while furiously filled with lust. Ensure that the hunger and desire that blossoms in you purrs forth in each touch.

Grab your fur mitt and sweep it across your lovers flesh. The nails of one of your hands grazing across their skin as the softness of the mitt contrasts sensations for the mind and body to enjoy. The whole body is your canvas, sweep across it. Paint it with a sense of desire. Watch the reactions created by your actions as they dance across your partner.

Take an ice cube and trail it over their bottom lip. Bend over and kiss away the drops of water left behind. Trail that cold piece of ice, down along the sternum, and follow that with your warm tongue lapping up the moisture and warming them back up. The contrast is the key; a chilly bite of ice, warmth of your mouth. Trace the ice along their sides and over each nipple: as it perks, lick it warm again.

Stand above your partner, holding the lit soy based candle. Assure that it's been lit for two - four minutes, long enough for a pool of oil to have formed. Visualize where you want to oil to land, then tip the tin and allow the oil to drip on to your partner. Drip that warm oil all over, slowly. A drop here and four drops there. Drip it between the toes and in the palms of their hands. Drip it all over and watch their body dance as each heated drop lands atop them. Blow out your candle.

Lower yourself alongside your lover. Topless, slide your body, all over theirs. Rub the massage oil in. Use strong deep strokes alternating with lighter quicker strokes. Massage the oil into the feet, the calves and the thighs. Slide yourself along your partner and make yourself slick together. Massage and knead their skin, not to relax, rather to entice. Flutter your hand over the nipples and the genitals.

Part their legs. Dribble lubricant on the top of the vulva or the penis directly. Ensure your hand is wet and slippery. Laying next to your partner, kiss them passionately as your fingers start massaging the scrotum or her labia. Nibble their neck. Tell them how excited it makes you to please them. Creep your fingers towards the penis or the inside passage of her vulva - caress the spots that make our lovers moan loudest.

As a stand alone event, you can draw this to a close with a make out session of kissing and cuddling. It can be a prelude, a promise of passions to come another time. Or, you can use this as foreplay to a more intense session session of "afternoon delight".

blessings, Jennifer

Jennifer Skrukwa has been a dynamic sex activist and educator for over a decade. The owner of Libido Events and Libido Lounge located in Metro Vancouver, she is a creative, vibrant, enterprising powerhouse of energy. As the 37 year old mother of a 9 month old son and a 16 year old daughter she is living with one child learning to walk and another learning to drive at the same time. Besides her work as a sex educator teaching in the local sex positive community, Jennifer travels extensively across Canada and the United States, sharing her wisdom, knowledge and expertise on all things sex.

She has been a presenter with the Taboo Sex Show in several provinces for the last nine years, the lead educator for the past two and been featured in print in Xtra West, The Georgia Straight and the Westender. Her resume includes presentations at a number of leading BC colleges and universities, within the prison system, at numerous adult stores and for the BC Center for Disease Control. She has extensive private educational experience as an intimacy coach and is also a certified substance abuse counselor. Jennifer is passionate about her life’s work teaching and leading others by example; sex positive, bold and outspoken.

Libido Events & Libido Lounge
Activist On A Mission To Initiate Change

Thursday, September 09, 2010


And with a THUD, the shoe bounced off the hallway wall and promptly ricocheted across the room falling to the ground as abruptly as it had taken flight.

My chest tightened, my breath got short and I could barely think straight.

My god damn wallet was missing and I just knew, that it had been lost.

Convinced of it's disappearance, and believing it never to see the light of day again, my anxiety was through the roof.

"I can't do it anymore, I just can't ..... there is not enough of me to go around" ...."I fucking give up". And then, I stormed out of the room vibrating with angst.

Twenty minutes later of back tracking through my life, numerous phone calls and digging through bags and VOILA. There stood Jason in front of me, holding my Ed Hardy wallet.

Not missing, not stolen, simply misplaced. By me. I had misplaced my wallet and my whole outburst was irrational and unnecessary.

It was all I could do to steer myself into a kitchen chair. Jason pulled up a seat next to me. With out a word, he just gazed deeply into my eyes with such love and compassion, all I could do was sob uncontrollably.

When I able to grab hold of my composure, all I could say was, "I'm sorry".

I'm so sorry that I can't do it all. I'm sorry that I'm having a hard time being everything I want to be. I'm - just - sorry.

So that's my story and I am sticking to it.

Our baby is nine a half months old. Our business is almost three years old. This is a time of tremendous growth again for me personally and professionally. And navigating it, is challenging me.

To remedy this situation and to alleviate some of the pressure I am feeling as a working mother, we are now investigating part time day care.

Now that you know where I am at in life, let's return to regular scheduled programming and blogging.