Thursday, June 16, 2005

finding time to do it all

Finding the time to do it all is impossible for me, may be not for you, but for me it is not in the cards. I've tried with every ounce of energy that I have, and it's just not in me to accomplish all that I would like to in any given day, week, month or even year. When this realization first hit, I knew then that I had to prioritize my life a little better.

First here are my priorities:

1. my daughter
2. my family (immediate parents/grandparents & poly Jim, Allena, kara)
3. work - Libido Events (teaching, presenting & hosting events)
4. home
4a. friends & outside play partners
5. personal growth, development & alone time (I do need alone time)
6. then everything else is on a first come first served basis, almost

future planning, long term projects, education, play, social time, health etc

I try to make time to meet the needs of everyone in my life. Not all their needs, but the ones that get met through me. This means sometimes postponing dates till ample time is available and sometimes a date in the middle of the day or first thing in the morning. Other times this means a lengthy phone conversation to work something out or just to connect because meeting face to face is just not in the cards. Emails sent to book partners time and to check on their availability. Every now and again having to say, today I have nothing in me to give you other than my love.

I give, I love, I share, I embrace and I nurture those whom are close to me and those who make their way in to my world. I don't necessarily need to even know someone well to love them for a short time and to have them in my life.

My daughter is the corner stone of my worldd and she gets the best of me always. This is my guarantee to her. Mom! I love the name and all that comes with it. I'm her mother and I will not allow anyone to trample on that, make it less than it is, or to be a distraction to this relationship. Sacred, special mother & daughter love. Every other weekend and a week day every week she is away, plus she is in school full time, and with that I have some alone time as a woman who does not live with any of her partners.

Child out of the house and work commitments met, what else is there to do but take care of home, a little personal growth and of course, my partners. Everyone gets time with me, and I get time with everyone. It's not perfect, but it is pretty close considering the types of relationships that I'm navigating.

I'm my daughters mother
I'm my daddies little girl
I'm Jims bottom, masochist, and life partner
I'm karas Mistress
I'm Allenas Top and life partner
I'm new guys occasional Top play partner
and I'm the play partner to many other occasional friends & lovers

Huh, seems like a long list of people to keep happy. Good thing it's not my job to keep them all happy. Ok, it's my job to keep my child happy but aside from her, everyone else is on their own for happiness. I can not create happiness in anyone, I can create a good time but not happiness nor do I want the daunting task of being responsible for such things. My partners have all learned to be excellent communicators over time as to their wants and needs with me. Cause here's the deal, you can't have anything at all with me, until you can say it out loud and ask for it. Once you say it, it becomes something we can work on together, but a mind reader I am not and I also will not draw information out of someone. No time. I'll be here when you are ready to say it, but no time to doddle around with it.

For me finding the time to be with my partners is also about being really clear for myself what I want to be doing with someone when I am with them so that our time together is maximized for good times. It's my preference in poly to only do with my partners and life partners what I feel like I'm best at and what we are best at as a unit. Because everyone has "other" outside relationships, I see no reason for me to have to do something with someone that I'm not passionate about. Being poly means that each of us can go to whomever is most able to meet our specific need at any given time. And to be honest with you, I'm grateful when one of my partners tells me they are going out with one of their other play partners for a type of sex play or sex that I'm not really that interested in. Yippee, go for it, go do it with someone who will do it with you with passion thus making it not something that they'll be looking to me for.

I refuse to be everything to one person because I'm not able to and I recognize this in myself. Plus I don't want the weight, that comes with attempting to be everything to someone.

And guess what, I REFUSE to have someone look at me like I could be everything to them. No way is it possible for me to just be with one person. Inside of me is just way to much love, passion, energy and responsiveness for one person, I've got to share it with others. This is simply who I am.

Finding the time is still hard, but I manage to. How?

I sleep less, keep lists of important dates & commitments, prioritize my life better, delegate responsibilities, learned to say no, accepted that I need help from time to time, learned to ask for help, got better at sharing, gained a respect for time, learned to watch time, removed from life that which was baggage weighing me down, got creative at multi tasking and have also gotten skilled at making the most out of what time is available at any given moment.

Often times I feel like what I offer my partners is not enough and I feel some guilt over this. Then I remember that we negotiated a poly relationship together and as such my partner/s were aware coming in to our relationship of my time constraints just as much as they were aware of my ability to love and play. Ha, it's a good reminder for me, that each of us does poly, not just me. And today I might feel this way and tomorrow it could be one of my partners feeling this way.

Finding the time to do it all means that I must stop typing this now and start getting ready for work. On the drive there rest assured that on my cell phone will be one of my partners talking to me as we struggle to catch up with one another before I start work.

My step grand father has been given about a week to live and tonight after work it's a long drive out to the valley for me to visit him before he passes away. My parents are arriving in this evening from out of town and I'll catch up with them then. It's my prayer that he will not pass away on Fathers Day this Sunday or before.

I may feel short on time now and again but because of poly, I've never felt short of love.

poly & proud

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

setting the tone for play

Standing on the sidewalk I was engaged in an entertaining conversation with a woman friend late at night on Hastings Street. We were speaking about her husband (and in front of him) and it was a conversation between her and I. He, her bottom and husband. He, my new submissive play partner.

As she and I spoke, I was telling her how sometimes men like to make a bigger deal out of something that requires work than need be, just so that they can delay having to accomplish said project. Of course, I was referring to making a zipper.

A zipper? Come on, you know what a zipper is? A sex toy. An SM toy. An implement of erotic torture. It's where you to take a bunch of clothes pegs/clamps, drill holes in the ends, and put a long boot lace through them all and tie the ends together.

Next lay your partner down and apply said clips to area in need of attention. (inner thighs are a good place to start and work towards the hot spots of genitals, breasts, sternum) Pinch em tight! Clip them on in a nice neat row, and then move them about varying placement of them by an inch or so. Tug on those clips, then twist them back and forth. Then when good and ready, take a deep breath, tell your partner you love them and with one swift PULL, you rip the zipper along the persons body, thus removing all the pegs and sending them into a squirming mess of moans and groans. For the right masochist or those intense sensation seekers, this is a great toy to play with and an easy one to make.

I had just finished telling this woman that she should have her bottom drill holes in the wooden clothes pegs that they own in order to pervert them in to a zipper. Bottom man then says, something to the tune of "drilling holes would be a lot of work, require special tools and be some big deal job." Not! No way could we let him believe this, or convince his partner of this. Here's the deal, I was talking with his wife and Top, not with him at that moment and we were discussing things to have him do for her, and potentially for me. Should he have been interrupting? hhmm, NO!

Does making holes in wooden clothes pegs require a drill and special tools? NO. And as I told both of them, he could do it with a hammer and a nail if he wanted to OR was ordered to. Men can make so much of the little things some times.

Anyways, when bottom man interrupted me while talking to share his woes over making such a toy, it was time for me to remind him that this was a conversation between his wife/Top and myself, and not between the three of us.

I'll negotiate play with him as we travel together through SM, but in these early days of discovery I want him to feel my control and power through my words and actions. The side walk episode was the first time that as a Top I believe I made him GULP. And I saw that gulp go down. It was hot to watch him catch what had happened, the start of a D/s play relationship and I've yet to lay a hand on him. Just toying with his head and trying to figure for myself what roads I want to go down with him and which we'll be side stepping.

Setting the tone for our play with clips or clamp has already started just by our sidewalk conversation and my reminding him of his place. I'm confident that when I do tell him that it's time for him to make me a zipper to use on him that he'll make an excellent one and also not interrupt me when I'm trying to tell him how many clips I want on it and how long the zipper should be. Why am I so confident? Because I believe that by having him make the zipper, delaying the experience of doing it and by talking about it around him (a lot) that eventually as much as he may be frightened of having a zipper used on him that he'll still want the experience from me. And he came to me as a bottom because he trusts me to do him no harm and to keep him safe even when it doesn't feel like safe is a possibility. I'm also sure that he will find the zipper to be erotic, because with me using it on him there's a guarantee of some Jennifer attention and loving at the end of it. Plus it's my hope to teach him how to eroticize pain and discontent so he may get the most out of his play time.

Rewarding someone well for doing something that is hard or scary makes them think twice about doing it yet again for you or on your command. With this in mind, know that I'm SUPERB at creating rewards and at creating want in my play partners too. It makes me feel powerfully sexy to have someone make a request of me for a type of play that I know they are either filled with trepidation over or for something that I know they fear.

So when you think of bottom man and the zipper don't think OUCHY thoughts. No. No. Think to yourself,"Wow, isn't Jennifer a giving Top, putting that zipper on him just so that she can have an excuse to wrap him up in her arms and presence afterwards." How nice of her to think of him in this way. A zipper, such a simple to make home made item that anyone could construct in no time....

and this includes bottom man.

FYI - I asked bottom man awhile back to think of a name for himself so I can write about him here. He's yet to get back to me with a pseudonym for me to us.


Tuesday, June 14, 2005

bare breasts and a hug

There was a woman in last nights Rope Bondage 2 class who had an impact on me. This attractive young woman, reminded me of what it is like to be new in an area of sex positive culture and how easy it is to assume things about people.

The body harness class was two and a half hours long and when it ended at 9:30 everyone stood around talking while the clean up was taking place. I had my top and my bra off as we'd just been doing chest harnesses in the class and I'd not made it yet to putting it back on. So this woman is leaving finally at nights end and I, topless, go walking over to her and motion in that way that says may I hug you? and she opens her arms and we embrace, (bare chest to t shirt covered chest) briefly for like 5-7 seconds and then I thanked her for making it out to the class and stepped back.

"Wow, that's a first" she says, sounding perhaps a tad out of breath and looking flushed. "I've never hugged a bare breasted woman before!" "Really, you've never hugged a woman before with bare tits?" "Nope." And I realize as she tells me this that I had assumed she would have been in contact with another woman before in a sexual setting. Which is a reminder for me that just because someone attends a class on any topic in the erotic arts does not mean that they have any interest in any of the other areas and that because someone is in a class, does not suddenly give them experience or make them experienced in that or any other arena as well.

I say to her, "the skin right up here, is so soft when you stroke it like this.

And I take my index and middle finger, crook them and stroke slowly the warm fleshy area above my breast where the arm and breast meet. And say,"oh yeah, really soft, try me..." Her eyes widen a little and I watch as her hand extends towards me and she mimic my movement as strokes me twice right where I had shown her. Nothing more, nothing less. Just an opportunity to try something new. And she did. Then she looked me square in the eyes, with a big smile on her face and said "and that's all that I'm going to touch too."

Me, I was just happy that I had the opportunity to be a safe first for somebody and in that I felt like my daily dose of activism had been achieved. This mixed in with our successful rope bondage class and I was doing well last night.

New guy and his wife even made it out and I was thrilled to have them there and to see him getting all tied up and also practicing his rope skills too.

Jim and I made our way back home finally, watched the news, then closed our bedroom door for a couple hours of late night, hush hush on the noises of ecstasy, desire and pain, cause the child's sleeping in the next room kind of SM & sex play that we were in need of.


Sunday, June 12, 2005

lazy Sunday & memories of Sat night

My bottom is striped with red lines, cane marks, a reminder of the play that was had last night at Sin City.

Jim and I did some S/M play just like I was hoping for (and hinted for) and I managed to get my bottom and thighs caned from here to kingdom come! It was so much fun to wallow in my masochism for awhile and to also be bound in rope for some bondage play too. Predicament bondage is what Jim does a lot of with me and it's my favorite (aside from suspension) as it takes all off my concentration to stay in the posistions that he puts me in. Being bound on that level means my concentration is so strong that I can erase the outside world and just focus on our play together.

Tied with hemp rope, holding my arms secure behind my back together in a full arm prayer, rendering me unable to keep Jim off of me.... one leg supporting me on the ground, while the other ankle is wrapped in rope and tethered to a ceiling bolt to hold me spread, wide, open, exposed, accessible for Jims viewing pleasure. A chest harness around my torso, making my breasts swell and thus giving him another area to play with my endorphin buttons and another spot to tether me from. He must have had me hanging around for a good 45 minutes and mixed in with the caning, I've got to say that today I'm a happy satiated little masochist. There is nothing better than turning my head around while standing and being caned, to see Jim, swinging a cane and watching me and my body with his full attention. It's a good connection that we get when doing SM and bondage.

We were in to home fairly early last night as this morning we had to be up to pick up my daughter from Richmond at 10:30, as she had spent the weekend camping with Girl Guides.

Today is a lazy day of sorts. Jims on my bed working on his laptop, I'm working on mine in the office and the child is laying on the sofa resting after a cold & rainy weekend in a tent.

For the first time since I've had a car, it seems to have a problem. I've no dash lights or radio lights and the "check engine" light is coming on. hmm. Not good. My Daddy said that he is going to put on jeans and go downstairs and check my car shortly to give me the verdict. I'm not a car girl, a light comes on and says trouble, and what do I do? I call the people in my life and ask them what to do. We're all experts at something or atleast recognize our strengths, and me, I'm fully accepting of the fact that I know nothing about cars.

Later tonight I'll pack for tomorrow nights Rope Bondage 2 class that we're teaching. Get everything packed today then tomorrow when the child is in school and my work is all done, what free time I will have left will just be for my Daddy and not me working. It would appear that I work a lot and need to make a conscious effort to make free time for myself and my Daddy when working at home.