finding time to do it all

Finding the time to do it all is impossible for me, may be not for you, but for me it is not in the cards. I've tried with every ounce of energy that I have, and it's just not in me to accomplish all that I would like to in any given day, week, month or even year. When this realization first hit, I knew then that I had to prioritize my life a little better.

First here are my priorities:

1. my daughter
2. my family (immediate parents/grandparents & poly Jim, Allena, kara)
3. work - Libido Events (teaching, presenting & hosting events)
4. home
4a. friends & outside play partners
5. personal growth, development & alone time (I do need alone time)
6. then everything else is on a first come first served basis, almost

future planning, long term projects, education, play, social time, health etc

I try to make time to meet the needs of everyone in my life. Not all their needs, but the ones that get met through me. This means sometimes postponing dates till ample time is available and sometimes a date in the middle of the day or first thing in the morning. Other times this means a lengthy phone conversation to work something out or just to connect because meeting face to face is just not in the cards. Emails sent to book partners time and to check on their availability. Every now and again having to say, today I have nothing in me to give you other than my love.

I give, I love, I share, I embrace and I nurture those whom are close to me and those who make their way in to my world. I don't necessarily need to even know someone well to love them for a short time and to have them in my life.

My daughter is the corner stone of my worldd and she gets the best of me always. This is my guarantee to her. Mom! I love the name and all that comes with it. I'm her mother and I will not allow anyone to trample on that, make it less than it is, or to be a distraction to this relationship. Sacred, special mother & daughter love. Every other weekend and a week day every week she is away, plus she is in school full time, and with that I have some alone time as a woman who does not live with any of her partners.

Child out of the house and work commitments met, what else is there to do but take care of home, a little personal growth and of course, my partners. Everyone gets time with me, and I get time with everyone. It's not perfect, but it is pretty close considering the types of relationships that I'm navigating.

I'm my daughters mother
I'm my daddies little girl
I'm Jims bottom, masochist, and life partner
I'm karas Mistress
I'm Allenas Top and life partner
I'm new guys occasional Top play partner
and I'm the play partner to many other occasional friends & lovers

Huh, seems like a long list of people to keep happy. Good thing it's not my job to keep them all happy. Ok, it's my job to keep my child happy but aside from her, everyone else is on their own for happiness. I can not create happiness in anyone, I can create a good time but not happiness nor do I want the daunting task of being responsible for such things. My partners have all learned to be excellent communicators over time as to their wants and needs with me. Cause here's the deal, you can't have anything at all with me, until you can say it out loud and ask for it. Once you say it, it becomes something we can work on together, but a mind reader I am not and I also will not draw information out of someone. No time. I'll be here when you are ready to say it, but no time to doddle around with it.

For me finding the time to be with my partners is also about being really clear for myself what I want to be doing with someone when I am with them so that our time together is maximized for good times. It's my preference in poly to only do with my partners and life partners what I feel like I'm best at and what we are best at as a unit. Because everyone has "other" outside relationships, I see no reason for me to have to do something with someone that I'm not passionate about. Being poly means that each of us can go to whomever is most able to meet our specific need at any given time. And to be honest with you, I'm grateful when one of my partners tells me they are going out with one of their other play partners for a type of sex play or sex that I'm not really that interested in. Yippee, go for it, go do it with someone who will do it with you with passion thus making it not something that they'll be looking to me for.

I refuse to be everything to one person because I'm not able to and I recognize this in myself. Plus I don't want the weight, that comes with attempting to be everything to someone.

And guess what, I REFUSE to have someone look at me like I could be everything to them. No way is it possible for me to just be with one person. Inside of me is just way to much love, passion, energy and responsiveness for one person, I've got to share it with others. This is simply who I am.

Finding the time is still hard, but I manage to. How?

I sleep less, keep lists of important dates & commitments, prioritize my life better, delegate responsibilities, learned to say no, accepted that I need help from time to time, learned to ask for help, got better at sharing, gained a respect for time, learned to watch time, removed from life that which was baggage weighing me down, got creative at multi tasking and have also gotten skilled at making the most out of what time is available at any given moment.

Often times I feel like what I offer my partners is not enough and I feel some guilt over this. Then I remember that we negotiated a poly relationship together and as such my partner/s were aware coming in to our relationship of my time constraints just as much as they were aware of my ability to love and play. Ha, it's a good reminder for me, that each of us does poly, not just me. And today I might feel this way and tomorrow it could be one of my partners feeling this way.

Finding the time to do it all means that I must stop typing this now and start getting ready for work. On the drive there rest assured that on my cell phone will be one of my partners talking to me as we struggle to catch up with one another before I start work.

My step grand father has been given about a week to live and tonight after work it's a long drive out to the valley for me to visit him before he passes away. My parents are arriving in this evening from out of town and I'll catch up with them then. It's my prayer that he will not pass away on Fathers Day this Sunday or before.

I may feel short on time now and again but because of poly, I've never felt short of love.

Jennifer
poly & proud