In 2006 I had the acclaimed David Steinberg give a presentation here in Vancouver for Libido Events. While visiting, David stayed with me and we even found time for a photo shoot. I dug out a few images that I'm willing to share!
Jennifer ... Vancouver's Sex Educator, Sexuality Coach and Activist. The content of this blog is not suited for those under the age of 18. What you'll find here is a written account of my personal journey in sex positive culture both personally and professionally.
Thursday, December 02, 2010
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
The Road Less Travelled - 3
As with all summer mornings the day began early for me as the heat and light crept into the bedroom, I was suddenly wide awake. With acute attention to detail I set about completing my usual house hold tasks before the day was to stifling.
When he came for me I was cleaning in the kitchen and awaiting his coffee. With a single motion I was beckoned back to where we had slept.
To my surprise, in front of the bed I had made just a short while ago, there was a tripod set up. Atop it, was a video camera.
He sat me on the end of the bed and then began to speak in a very matter of fact tone. Of course, he had my undivided attention.
"This button starts recording and this one stops recording," he handed me the remote control as he was saying this.
Out of his black denim back pocket he pulls out the one implement that makes me want to vomit, just upon seeing it.
"This button here is how you turn this on. No charge will come out if the button is not deployed. Push it in flesh, then push the button. Do you understand?"
Ferociously angry already, I want to storm out of the room. Instead I utter "yes Sir" through my gritted teeth.
"You Jennifer are going to make a video. A movie that is going to make me hot. You are going to use this cattle prod on yourself repetitively over and over again in such ways that I'll be proud of your efforts for me."
Terrified at the thought at being harmed so badly, by myself, at my own hand, with no one there to lean on, my head swam.
"Jennifer, later we'll watch it together and you can tell me how it went for you. Don't let me down now, I expect you to do something memorable with this opportunity to please me."
"How many times do I have to do?" I choke out. "How many?" "Please Sir, don't make me do this, not without you, please NO."
The words "I can't" are banished from my vocabulary in this relationship and other reasoning falls on someone unwilling to bend.
"You will Jennifer, you will do it. And you'll do it for me and as for how many times, you'll stop zapping yourself, when you are sure, that I would be done with you if I were here.
And with that he walked out of the house. I heard his car head down the drive way.
I'm sobbing as I throw with such force that cattle prod across the room that I am suddenly fearful that I have broken it.
Retrieving the damn black box of doom I hold it in one hand as I shakily turn on the recorder with the other. For what seems like an eternity I negotiate with myself where I am going to use this.
Unable to stand for the life of me, I sit cross legged and naked on the bed. I can feel the argument brewing, its soon to boil over and out of me.
I'm thrashing on the bed. Yelling about the injustice. Demanding to be owned by you, without needing to do the work. "I hate you for making me do this".
It's all I can do to push the prongs from the cattle prod into my thigh where it lights me up and sends me yelping. The electricity is coursing through my body and snot bubbles are blowing out my nose.
Zap! Zzzzz. Zap, Zap, ZAP.
What's over the top? Once you've actually started something it can be hard to tell any longer. When I no longer had any sensibilities left, I shoved the cattle prod between my legs and electrocuted my clitoris. Instinctively I knew he would want to see this, to know I had done to myself what he would have done if he had been present.
So many times I lost count, I just rolled with it. Harming myself for you, doing your will, I want to be yours.
Sheets are wet with sweat and pee. My bladder control lost long ago. Humility has washed over me and I am spent with submission.
I turn off the video camera and tidy the room that has just been ransacked by my antics.
My knees are unstable and I feel lite headed, I can hardly believe what I have done to myself for this man.
Hours later he arrives back home and kisses my forehead, his touch I have been starved for. I had suffered alone, I hungrily soak up the reward. Called upon to fetch him a drink I scamper off and do as told.
I find him in the bedroom, in his chair, awaiting me to remove his shoes and kiss his feet. I kneel before him as he hits Play.
The opening scene is me screaming holding the cattle prod and telling him that I hate him for making me do this. I am so scared that he will be upset about my outburst.
He strokes my cheek and tells me he's proud of me for enduring all I did for him and then I notice his erection.
When he came for me I was cleaning in the kitchen and awaiting his coffee. With a single motion I was beckoned back to where we had slept.
To my surprise, in front of the bed I had made just a short while ago, there was a tripod set up. Atop it, was a video camera.
He sat me on the end of the bed and then began to speak in a very matter of fact tone. Of course, he had my undivided attention.
"This button starts recording and this one stops recording," he handed me the remote control as he was saying this.
Out of his black denim back pocket he pulls out the one implement that makes me want to vomit, just upon seeing it.
"This button here is how you turn this on. No charge will come out if the button is not deployed. Push it in flesh, then push the button. Do you understand?"
Ferociously angry already, I want to storm out of the room. Instead I utter "yes Sir" through my gritted teeth.
"You Jennifer are going to make a video. A movie that is going to make me hot. You are going to use this cattle prod on yourself repetitively over and over again in such ways that I'll be proud of your efforts for me."
Terrified at the thought at being harmed so badly, by myself, at my own hand, with no one there to lean on, my head swam.
"Jennifer, later we'll watch it together and you can tell me how it went for you. Don't let me down now, I expect you to do something memorable with this opportunity to please me."
"How many times do I have to do?" I choke out. "How many?" "Please Sir, don't make me do this, not without you, please NO."
The words "I can't" are banished from my vocabulary in this relationship and other reasoning falls on someone unwilling to bend.
"You will Jennifer, you will do it. And you'll do it for me and as for how many times, you'll stop zapping yourself, when you are sure, that I would be done with you if I were here.
And with that he walked out of the house. I heard his car head down the drive way.
I'm sobbing as I throw with such force that cattle prod across the room that I am suddenly fearful that I have broken it.
Retrieving the damn black box of doom I hold it in one hand as I shakily turn on the recorder with the other. For what seems like an eternity I negotiate with myself where I am going to use this.
Unable to stand for the life of me, I sit cross legged and naked on the bed. I can feel the argument brewing, its soon to boil over and out of me.
I'm thrashing on the bed. Yelling about the injustice. Demanding to be owned by you, without needing to do the work. "I hate you for making me do this".
It's all I can do to push the prongs from the cattle prod into my thigh where it lights me up and sends me yelping. The electricity is coursing through my body and snot bubbles are blowing out my nose.
Zap! Zzzzz. Zap, Zap, ZAP.
What's over the top? Once you've actually started something it can be hard to tell any longer. When I no longer had any sensibilities left, I shoved the cattle prod between my legs and electrocuted my clitoris. Instinctively I knew he would want to see this, to know I had done to myself what he would have done if he had been present.
So many times I lost count, I just rolled with it. Harming myself for you, doing your will, I want to be yours.
Sheets are wet with sweat and pee. My bladder control lost long ago. Humility has washed over me and I am spent with submission.
I turn off the video camera and tidy the room that has just been ransacked by my antics.
My knees are unstable and I feel lite headed, I can hardly believe what I have done to myself for this man.
Hours later he arrives back home and kisses my forehead, his touch I have been starved for. I had suffered alone, I hungrily soak up the reward. Called upon to fetch him a drink I scamper off and do as told.
I find him in the bedroom, in his chair, awaiting me to remove his shoes and kiss his feet. I kneel before him as he hits Play.
The opening scene is me screaming holding the cattle prod and telling him that I hate him for making me do this. I am so scared that he will be upset about my outburst.
He strokes my cheek and tells me he's proud of me for enduring all I did for him and then I notice his erection.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
The Road Less Travelled - 2
Dinner out at a beautiful restaurant was a rare treat, in fact, it had never happened before. The chance to dress up in pretty clothing and dine with my Sir was most special to me and an evening that I had been working hard towards. This was a reward for my good behavior.
After dinner I was confused as we drove a route that would not take us home. Instead we went to a place where hot tubs can be rented by the hour in private rooms, never before having experienced such a facility I was intrigued by the opportunity. We soaked, relaxed and talked, it was all so low key.
Our protocols were in place, I knew how to behave and this night on the town was more "romantic" than anything we had ever done before. I felt spoiled by the attention and I am sure that if anyone would have been looking in at us, they would have assumed that we were boyfriend and girlfriend.
But that would be the farthest thing from the truth. I am aspiring to be his slave and he is the man I serve, this is the foundation of our relationship.
The drive home was memorable, he held my hand as though I would be his forever. The strength of his hold on me both emotionally and physically was intense.
Banished to the play room once back, I hastily remove my clothes. After an eternity he is standing in the doorway. My favorite CD in the whole world is playing suddenly and the sounds of the music fill the room. I swoon, thinking he is going to come in and kiss me.
A chair is placed in the center of the room with another next to it. I am told to get up from my knees and to sit on the brown one. I do so, without hesitation. There is nothing else spoken between us.
Rope is pulled out. His smile is in his eyes, they are twinkling. Something out of the ordinary is about to happen, perhaps he is going to touch me the way I like this evening.
Each of my arms, is tied to a chair arm. Beads of sweat are across my brow and the heavy drops are making there way down the back of my neck. Naked, I am shivering and feeling something that resembles, anxiety.
Why I am unsure. The whole night has been so charming, it could only end with more pleasantness right?
Then I remember as my head comes out of the clouds that this man is NOT my boyfriend, he is my Top, my Dominant and he is a Sadist.
Horrified I realize that this whole night has been orchestrated to get my guard down. And it's down. It's so far down, that I know, I am in trouble.
As the light of some candles in the room hit the stainless steel it had my full undivided attention. What in the hell was it? I was curious and scared.
"Jennifer, you are my girl, and you want to please me yes?"
"Yes, but tell me how first", "what must I do to please you?" I am crying hot tears, shamefully even before knowing what was about to happen.
As I saw the cigar trimmer in his palm my eyes bugged out round and frenzied.
"No," is all I say over and over again forcefully as I struggle to find a way to calm my body. I am on over load and feeling as though I am about to take flight.
I know my safe word, I can make this all stop.
"Use your safe word then Jennifer" he says as he voyeuristically watches the panic wash over me.
"No".
I don't want what you want to do to me and I can't safe word. I can not let us down like that.
Your huge hand holds my left one still and I stare in disbelief as the trimmer is lined up to my finger.
He looks me in the eyes and breathes deeply deliberately, encouraging me to do the same.
The music is loud but not as deafening as my screams.
The very tip of a finger falls to the floor and I am hysterical.
In a fast and methodical motion the ropes are cut and my arms are freed. My finger is wrapped in gauze and my Sir lifts me up in his embrace.
I bury my face in the mat of fur that is his chest and shake uncontrollably as I am carried to the bedroom.
Tonight, instead of sleeping on the floor next to the bed, I have earned the privilege of sleeping with my Sir.
As he wraps me in his arms, he whispers in my ear "you were a very good girl Jennifer, you made me proud."
I pray fervently to one day be his.
After dinner I was confused as we drove a route that would not take us home. Instead we went to a place where hot tubs can be rented by the hour in private rooms, never before having experienced such a facility I was intrigued by the opportunity. We soaked, relaxed and talked, it was all so low key.
Our protocols were in place, I knew how to behave and this night on the town was more "romantic" than anything we had ever done before. I felt spoiled by the attention and I am sure that if anyone would have been looking in at us, they would have assumed that we were boyfriend and girlfriend.
But that would be the farthest thing from the truth. I am aspiring to be his slave and he is the man I serve, this is the foundation of our relationship.
The drive home was memorable, he held my hand as though I would be his forever. The strength of his hold on me both emotionally and physically was intense.
Banished to the play room once back, I hastily remove my clothes. After an eternity he is standing in the doorway. My favorite CD in the whole world is playing suddenly and the sounds of the music fill the room. I swoon, thinking he is going to come in and kiss me.
A chair is placed in the center of the room with another next to it. I am told to get up from my knees and to sit on the brown one. I do so, without hesitation. There is nothing else spoken between us.
Rope is pulled out. His smile is in his eyes, they are twinkling. Something out of the ordinary is about to happen, perhaps he is going to touch me the way I like this evening.
Each of my arms, is tied to a chair arm. Beads of sweat are across my brow and the heavy drops are making there way down the back of my neck. Naked, I am shivering and feeling something that resembles, anxiety.
Why I am unsure. The whole night has been so charming, it could only end with more pleasantness right?
Then I remember as my head comes out of the clouds that this man is NOT my boyfriend, he is my Top, my Dominant and he is a Sadist.
Horrified I realize that this whole night has been orchestrated to get my guard down. And it's down. It's so far down, that I know, I am in trouble.
As the light of some candles in the room hit the stainless steel it had my full undivided attention. What in the hell was it? I was curious and scared.
"Jennifer, you are my girl, and you want to please me yes?"
"Yes, but tell me how first", "what must I do to please you?" I am crying hot tears, shamefully even before knowing what was about to happen.
As I saw the cigar trimmer in his palm my eyes bugged out round and frenzied.
"No," is all I say over and over again forcefully as I struggle to find a way to calm my body. I am on over load and feeling as though I am about to take flight.
I know my safe word, I can make this all stop.
"Use your safe word then Jennifer" he says as he voyeuristically watches the panic wash over me.
"No".
I don't want what you want to do to me and I can't safe word. I can not let us down like that.
Your huge hand holds my left one still and I stare in disbelief as the trimmer is lined up to my finger.
He looks me in the eyes and breathes deeply deliberately, encouraging me to do the same.
The music is loud but not as deafening as my screams.
The very tip of a finger falls to the floor and I am hysterical.
In a fast and methodical motion the ropes are cut and my arms are freed. My finger is wrapped in gauze and my Sir lifts me up in his embrace.
I bury my face in the mat of fur that is his chest and shake uncontrollably as I am carried to the bedroom.
Tonight, instead of sleeping on the floor next to the bed, I have earned the privilege of sleeping with my Sir.
As he wraps me in his arms, he whispers in my ear "you were a very good girl Jennifer, you made me proud."
I pray fervently to one day be his.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
The Road Less Travelled
I strive hard to not let go of control, it's all I've got really. So when the man I so desired to play with me expressed interest, I was unnerved. How the hell would I handle myself, it's not like I am known for being the most submissive.
Weeks later I am naked on my knees in his home. He has taken all my clothing, my purse and my car keys. I am far away from anyone I know in a place where no one knows me. I am not afraid he is a monster and will kill me. Rather I am anxious he will do as I am desperate for and actually exploit my masochism to the depth that I seek.
As he enters the room I have been kneeling in I meet his gaze and say not a word. My hair is firmly gripped within his fist, "are you sure this is what you want Jennifer"?
My head bobs up and down affirmatively. My heart is beating rapidly and my mind is screaming "YES".
My teeth chattered a little as he slapped my face. My eyes welled up with tears fast. A hand around my throat, tightening, till I gasp. Another slap lands perfectly across my cheek and my head sways.
Crying, trembling and yet we'd not even started to play yet. I knew this.
He was saying hello.
This was my last chance.
To get back in my car and drive away back to my safe-little world.
As he grabbed me by the hair again and stared me darkly in the eyes, he said "what are your limits"?
I struggled to think straight. Yes, yes, I knew my boundaries.
And with that our relationship began.
Weeks later I am naked on my knees in his home. He has taken all my clothing, my purse and my car keys. I am far away from anyone I know in a place where no one knows me. I am not afraid he is a monster and will kill me. Rather I am anxious he will do as I am desperate for and actually exploit my masochism to the depth that I seek.
As he enters the room I have been kneeling in I meet his gaze and say not a word. My hair is firmly gripped within his fist, "are you sure this is what you want Jennifer"?
My head bobs up and down affirmatively. My heart is beating rapidly and my mind is screaming "YES".
My teeth chattered a little as he slapped my face. My eyes welled up with tears fast. A hand around my throat, tightening, till I gasp. Another slap lands perfectly across my cheek and my head sways.
Crying, trembling and yet we'd not even started to play yet. I knew this.
He was saying hello.
This was my last chance.
To get back in my car and drive away back to my safe-little world.
As he grabbed me by the hair again and stared me darkly in the eyes, he said "what are your limits"?
I struggled to think straight. Yes, yes, I knew my boundaries.
And with that our relationship began.
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