I strive hard to not let go of control, it's all I've got really. So when the man I so desired to play with me expressed interest, I was unnerved. How the hell would I handle myself, it's not like I am known for being the most submissive.
Weeks later I am naked on my knees in his home. He has taken all my clothing, my purse and my car keys. I am far away from anyone I know in a place where no one knows me. I am not afraid he is a monster and will kill me. Rather I am anxious he will do as I am desperate for and actually exploit my masochism to the depth that I seek.
As he enters the room I have been kneeling in I meet his gaze and say not a word. My hair is firmly gripped within his fist, "are you sure this is what you want Jennifer"?
My head bobs up and down affirmatively. My heart is beating rapidly and my mind is screaming "YES".
My teeth chattered a little as he slapped my face. My eyes welled up with tears fast. A hand around my throat, tightening, till I gasp. Another slap lands perfectly across my cheek and my head sways.
Crying, trembling and yet we'd not even started to play yet. I knew this.
He was saying hello.
This was my last chance.
To get back in my car and drive away back to my safe-little world.
As he grabbed me by the hair again and stared me darkly in the eyes, he said "what are your limits"?
I struggled to think straight. Yes, yes, I knew my boundaries.
And with that our relationship began.
Jennifer ... Vancouver's Sex Educator, Sexuality Coach and Activist. The content of this blog is not suited for those under the age of 18. What you'll find here is a written account of my personal journey in sex positive culture both personally and professionally.
