Saturday, October 10, 2009

Body Image

You think you know me? You figure you surely have a fairly good idea of who I am and what makes me tick. Well good for you. Because you know what? The last thirty one weeks of pregnancy have changed me and I no longer feel as though I know myself.

Don't get me wrong the fundamentals are still the same, the building blocks behind my personality, drive, education, family dynamics and heart. The change that has occurred surrounds how I see myself.

It's the weight gain and how I move that has altered my sense of self. There was a period of time in my life, about a decade ago where with all honesty I tipped the scales at two hundred pounds. My world was vastly different and I was struggling with more than a few issues, but those days and pounds were let go of a long time ago now.

It's been hard emotionally for me to watch my body change shape with this pregnancy. The first thing that shifted for me was my breasts. The fullness that came into my breasts was seen as a blessing, as larger breasts for this A cup woman was most welcome indeed. Over the last few months though they have continued to grow and now are at a whopping double D cup. They weigh a lot and as such are now hurting my back, but this post isn't about that. The extra cleavage is nice though and I do like a lot how I am now able to fill in a top, they are sexy.

My face is normally rather slender, with a strong jaw line and nose. The weight of pregnancy has made my cheeks full(er) and my chin more pronounced. I feel puffy in the face and this makes me self conscious.

My size nine feet, are currently a size ten to ten and a half, depending on the day. They have swelled from edema and my toes that were once long and thin now appear like sausages. Normally I get a pedicure now and again, though with this pregnancy, I am getting one every three weeks, just so that I can look down and see something pretty peeking out at me. It's a small luxury.

I like being able to see my vulva, this means that I can shave it with care and tend to it in such a way that makes me want to allow other people to spend time visiting me there. It's been months since I lost sight of my girl bits, I can no longer see my vulva, no matter the angle. I hate the shave job I've been giving myself and it makes me feel not well put together to find a surprise tuft of hair after my shower or bath when I have a hand mirror. Smooth makes me feel sexy.

My thighs are also out of sight, but certainly not out of mind. I miss being able to look down and see my naked whole self. I know my thighs have gained weight as the first part of my pre-pregnancy pants to no longer fit was the thigh region. All that is visible to me when I stand up-right and look down, are sadly my sausage like toes.


One would think I had some issue with my arms or hands, but no, they have not been subjected to any growth and as such remain unchanged. Thankfully.

My belly is big, and round. Perfectly normally for being as pregnant as I am, and I find it wondrous. Not beautiful, just ... as it should be. I am carrying low and this means that the little man is laying hard on my bladder regularly. Three out of the five pair of pants I bought exclusively for my pregnancy no longer fit. They are way to tight.

Stretch marks. Not a single one. This has to be the single biggest item that gives me the most amount of satisfaction. I have no red angry marks on me and not a purple line anywhere. I pray this will stay as is, as it appears that this problem is one not to be mine. I consider this a large miracle.

I have gained exactly what I should have thus far weight wise, and my doctor hasn't said a word about any of this, so I know I am within the range of normal, yet I feel clunky and awkward.

My buttocks, yeah that's right, my derriere has grown. It is more plump and full, it's growth happening right alongside with my breasts. With a larger butt, comes of course, a wider spread to my hips. I have always had child bearing hips, making me rather curvaceous. At least the bottom side and hip growth appears in a mirror to make my weight gain look proportionate. This I *think* is good news.

My self esteem is questionable these days when it comes to my appearance. I rationally know I am an attractive woman and the people who surround me keep telling me how gorgeous, radiant and glowing I am. The issue perhaps is that I am concerned about what it is going to take for me to get back to my pre-pregnancy shape and weight. It was so easy to get this large, it's part of having a baby, but resuming my life as a height weight proportionate woman is important to how I see myself and I am already longing for the chance to see my self again without all the weight.

There is still another eight weeks or so left for the little guy to continue to ready to enter the world. And as he grows, I will continue to grow to.

The end of this month, weeks before the baby is born, I turn thirty seven. The last time I gave birth I was twenty one. Recovery after giving birth, and the losing of the weight are both significantly more challenging at my age, than for someone younger.

It took me a long time in this life to accept and feel good about my body. I had huge issues around body image for years and suffered great shame over who I was as a naked woman before a mirror, or before a partner. I only came into my own in the last five years or so, and became able to celebrate my shape and beauty.

I'm worried and perhaps more honestly scared that after the baby is born, I'll return to that dark place again, of not liking my own body or even recognizing it.

My life is so busy that spending excess amounts of time obsessing about my looks is not realistic, yet I do know how damaging it can be to not see oneself as the beautiful form that we are.