Vancouver BDSM Scene

This may come as a surprise to you, but the local BDSM scene in BC is fractured, hell it is broken quite badly. Many people would like to see it healed, and fixed so we can all get along together and work as they see it, towards mutual goals.

I see the fractures as natural, something that exists because we do not really share core values, let alone goals. I know I will not align myself, business or membership with any groups that are negative and regularly damaging to others.

One side of the Vancouver scene players is very cliquey and hierarchical, they are a small group of loud people who are seen as unruly children to most. The exception of course is the individuals who enjoy them as friends, because they too like the pack mentality and don't want to be considered outsiders, they are the ones in life who blindly follow. These people only welcome new friends into their pack who will prescribe to their personal negative way of thinking or at least not make waves about how they gossip, lie, bash, cheat and treat others in a hostile derogatory way. They burn through close allies fast, as it doesn't take one long to catch on to being used or taken advantage of, nor to feeling the bullying aspect of this group.

Another side of the Vancouver scene players are the souls who are professionals in their careers, have families, live a life of success, practice tolerance, are bread-winners, have a solid value system and are mature in both behaviors and actions. These people are selective in their friendships, where they play and who they engage with. Their friendships are based on mutual interests and respect, not made out of wanting to be part of a specific demographic.

Then there is the side of the Vancouver scene players who has been forgotten about. Those who will never again come out of hiding. These are the people who have seen the drama, bickering and hatefulness exude out from the first group, most often onto the second group and this side of people, hell, they ran for the hills. They play in the privacy of their own bedrooms because they will not be dragged into name calling or hurtful deranged behaviors. They do not "do public" out of fear and rightly so. Choosing where one feels safe is critical to our sanity.

As an event organizer and as an educator for over a decade in sex positive communities I have watched more drama ensue than I ever witnessed in school, in politics, or even in trashy gossip magazines.

A core value of Libido Events and Libido Lounge is one of inclusiveness, and we strive for and maintain this by not permitting cliques to form within our walls. This is done by ensuring that malicious gossip, lies and hierarchy are free from our events. We do not engage in conversations where other groups or individuals are bashed, ever, nor do we start such conversations. You may think what you want but you may not spread your propaganda around our membership or inside our facility without losing your membership. This has created a feeling of safety and trust amongst those who frequent us. If you have nothing positive to say, then say nothing on the subject.

Regularly I am asked to offer comments or critiques on varying topics by interested parties to learn my "behind the scenes" feelings. I do not share with the general community, only my family knows what goes on in my head and the things that I am subjected to knowing based on my position as a sex positive business owner and long time kinkster.

Recently while at a public event, and not one of my own, I was asked to give some time to a woman who wanted to speak to me. Alone. We sat together at a table, in the middle of a party for close to thirty minutes. She talked a lot. She told me things about how her group views me. She told me of their long term plans, she asked me about their past history of cooperativeness or lack there of. She told me how much time they invest in following my career, life and self. She told me I am an excellent business woman, and how respected I am for such. She then asked me why her group struggles so much.

I was confused by her question, "why is her group struggling so much?" Well the answer is an easy one. Though I was unsure if I should elaborate, as it goes against my philosophy of "simply doing my own job, and allowing others to do theirs, themselves". However, given that she is on the board of directors of this group and she had told me at least four times over that she wanted to create change and saw herself as being able to do it, I succumbed to her question and finally, answered.

Your group is struggling so much because you view everything as a competition. Your group is struggling so much, because of the type of persons and personalities that you attract. Your group is struggling so much because of the on going animosity that you continue to perpetrate by permitting gossip, cliques and bashing to be ever present in your organizing bodies way of doing business. Your group is struggling so much because you do not value what you have, and you act as though you are entitled to more. Your group is struggling so much because you do not have a clear vision of where you are going, rather you constantly follow others instead of creating your own path.

Be unique, be transparent, be accountable, be proactive and kind. The business, the people, the finances, the support will all follow.

I left the conversation to resume sitting with my family and we chatted together about what had just taken place. We did, we laughed together at the absurdity of it all.

It really is so simple, how to create change. Live better, do better, and ask for assistance when needed. Don't lie, don't steal, don't copy, don't gossip, don't bash and opportunities will line up for you in short order.

Not one to dwell on things, I am accustomed to being proactive and moving forward. This is just what I do and how I have survived so long in such volatile territory.

Sex has politics in it and my job, my activism and my career are not all pretty and pink. Regularly in fact, it sucks the big one, this job of mine. However, I love what I have created for others and for myself and I love those I choose to call my peeps.

The whole community is not bottom feeders, rather a small, bitchy sub section of it is. And it's really ok, because they are the very reason that success can be measured, they sit at the bottom of the pond, and when you look down, you know that you have risen so very far above them.

My success is not measured in how many people talk down about somebody or a group, but rather in how none of my friends would even consider doing so.