sweeping away cobwebs

At twelve years old, I was an awkward, self conscious yet striving young girl
entering grade 8, high school. Innocence, naiveness, purity, all long ago
removed from me even before I knew such qualities existed. I'd had private
regular sexual activity as far back as my young life knew.


Sex was taken from me but not my virginity. My virginity was my own, I'd
claimed this as something that could not be taken from me. I gave my virginity
to a bad boy. A bad boy who treated me good and agreed to meet
me after school for sex. All I had to do was ask.

I needed to give myself to Billy. Billy was my first. Billy was a choice.
Our sex was a planned, choice. Billy was the first person I got to choose to
have sex with. Billy was the first boy whom I wanted to share my body with.
Billy was my first. Billy took my virginity and I handed it to him on a silver
platter. Take me now. It wasn't about pleasure, it was about choice.
I came alive, not in orgasm, but in choice, it was simply powerful to be able
to choose sex and want it.

As a girl I was robbed of choice. Billy on the other hand, he let me come to
him and ask for sex. Billy, 14 maybe 15 years and he already knew not to push
a girl into wanting him. Billy let me come to him in my own time and it was by
doing this that he owned my heart. He let me have a voice for my sex &
sexuality. Billy taught me what others had never shown me when in pursuit of
their own pleasure. Billy listened, he cared, then he got the girl.


I loved Billy with all my heart and thought the world would end, when our
relationship ended. Of course the world didn't end, but my relationship with
Billy did.

Since Billy and my childhood I've gained a powerful loud voice for my sexuality
and fallen in love many more times over.