Polyamory

This was written by my long time friend and fellow sex educator and kinkster Jack Rinella on Polyamory. Enjoy the read, I know I did.


for Issue number 24
Monday, June 08, 2009


For Brian, Since He Asked
By Jack Rinella

Brian and I have had a few predictable bumps in our relationship recently over “extracurricular activities.” As anyone can see, sooner or later the fact of a polyamorous relationship runs smack into the cultural norm for monogamy. Polyamorous behavior has to be learned, often by experience. Before I go on, let me make it clear that bumps aren’t the end of anything, only an opportunity to learn and to grow.

If you haven’t figured it out by now, let me make it clear that monogamy, for all its difficulties, is a lot easier to live than polyamory. There is nothing easy about juggling two or more sexual relationships at the same time. The fantasy of multiple partners is very difficult to translate into real life relationships. That said here are the experience-taught-me suggestions for helping polyamory to succeed.

No Surprises. I’ve learned that the only time a person likes a surprise is on their birthday and, even then, some people hate surprise birthday parties. Each of us has hopes, plans, and viewpoints based on what we think is the reality of the situation. To suddenly find that there is a different reality, plunges all of that into turmoil. Therefore avoid surprises by following the next suggestion.

Say it sooner rather than later. Get all the negatives out of the way immediately. Whenever I first encounter a prospective play partner, I tell them the caveats in my life. These include that I have a lover, a slave, a busy schedule, that I am 62 years old, and that I cruise looking for more long-term partners who are seeking inclusion into a leather family. If that doesn’t dissuade them from the get-go, then we have a chance of meeting.

That’s not to say that I don’t trick with people who don’t desire what I want. It’s just that I make certain they understand what I want so there is no confusion about my long range desires.

Be brutally honest. Sugar-coating facts or side-stepping issues makes for danger down the road. Make clear that no is “No.” Distinguish clearly what is negotiable and what is not. Admit to your agenda and stick to it. Compromising on what you must have in the hopes of getting it later isn’t going to work and only sets you both up for failure.

Blend actions with words. Not only do I tell people what they need to know, I show them. When a new trick comes to the house, for instance, I introduce them to Patrick as we walk downstairs to the dungeon. At other times I might give someone Brian’s handle so the prospect can look him up on a cruise site or I remind them that I’m not available on weekends because “Those nights are reserved for my lover.”

If a relationship begins to move from tricking to something more serious (and anything more than tricking twice falls into that category) then it becomes necessary to include the new person in at least some of the social life of the family. Relationships are, after all, more than just sex and to think that one can have sex without the other aspects of a human relationship means that something is going to be out of balance.

Tell them as much as they want or need to know, without shame or guilt. Too often we are afraid of hurting someone, turning them off, or confusing them with certain facts so we aren’t as forth-coming as we might need to be. Delaying the truth only delays the catastrophe. Postponing the truth with a little white lie, or just as dangerously hiding the truth by not mentioning it, only extends the falsity into a bigger and bigger lie.

Are you ready for it? Are they ready for it? Honesty is more than truth-telling to another person. It is being honest with oneself and accepting one’s own limitations. Not being able to “trick” on a Saturday night is a limit, but one that I can live with because I both love and enjoy Brian and my time with him. It is therefore necessary to accept this limit, though honestly my time with Brian makes it seem like no limit at all. Likewise by being honest up front (no surprises) then I can know that my prospective is ready as well.

Is there agreement or acquiescence? One of the more persistent difficulties in negotiating and living in a relationship is that we often agree to something while harboring hidden motives. In this case, we might agree to something with the unspoken (secret) hope that things will change and we will eventually get what we want. That is what happened when I agreed to a monogamous relationship with Steven nearly 25 years ago. I did so expecting that it would eventually become an open relationship. I was wrong.

At other times we acquiesce by doing something we’d rather not do, in order to get something that we really want. We err by thinking that we can live without what we want and then find out we can’t. This is often the case of not being authentic to ourselves. The idea that “half a loaf is better than none” may be valid but it could be the case that half a loaf will never be enough. On the other hand, no loaf now opens us up to the preferred possibility that the whole loaf will come to us in due time.

What is the pecking order? What are the rules? It’s important that we be clear on how things work in a polyamorous relationship. Prospective partners have a right to know what my priorities are, how decisions are made, and what kind of expectations I have for them. So I make it clear that they will get their turn with me and the intimacy they desire, but that others have the same kind of claim on me. They’ll know early on that loving me demands friendship with the other members of my family and that sex may or may not be part of the equation. Yes, the other members of my family are included in the decision-making process as well.

Remember that “What you have is worth more than what you’re going to get.” If that idea doesn’t seem right to you, then you had better think twice and have a serious discussion about your present relationship with your partner(s). After all, if the bird in the hand isn’t worth more than the two in the bush, then something is terribly wrong and polyamory isn’t going to solve the problem.

Have a great week. You can leave me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at Leather Views where you can subscribe to this column and receive it weekly. Copyright 2009 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.