Sober with out doubt

It was late, at say 1:00 a.m. as we made our way from the bar we'd been at for most of the evening. Maui weather was hot, and still so humid, though a small breeze was in the air.

I was the driver in our rental car, as I don't drink. In fact I've not had any alcohol for many many years. My passenger and travel companion A. had drank a few, and happily I was the designated driver.

As I pulled out from the parking lot to return us back to our condo there was a red light. I stopped and waited it for it turn green. The speed limit was 20 miles an hour, and I had been motoring along at that legal (slow) pace.

In the rear view mirror I see a police car come up right behind us, and within 45 seconds the cars lights were flashing and we were being pulled over. We were no more than 1.5 blocks from the bar we'd been at.

First they asked for the cars rental papers. Sure, no problem, we handed them over. We were both listed as drivers on the permits so all was good.

Then they asked how much I had had to drink. My response was truthful, "I've had nothing to drink officer".

He then told me to be honest with him, and not to lie. Then he asked me again, how much I'd had to drink. Again I replied, NOTHING, I don't drink ever.

Now a second cop car pulls up and directs its spot lights onto our car. And the officer approaches the car and stands next to the officer questioning me.

Another minute later, a THIRD police car pulls up, and this officer gets out from his vehicle and he goes round the passenger side of the vehicle. He asks A, how much I'd been drinking. Her response, "Jennifer doesn't drink ever, you can even go back to the bar we were just in and ask the bartender and waitress, she's only drank Seven Up all night long."

Now the officers standing next to my drivers door, tell me something I did not know. I had pulled out of the bar parking lot without my head lights turned on.

It turns out that our fancy ass car with all the bells and whistles, does not have automatic evening driving lights and I'd not turned them on manually.

I apologize profusely and announce that I really had no idea that they were not on, especially given that my dash board lights were all on.

They tell me to get out of the car and stand on the sidewalk. Goodness this is seeming ridiculous given than I am not drunk, I don't drink and we'll its just absurd. But I do as I'm told, because making a scene far from home in another country is so not going to happen.

Standing on the curb, they administer a sobriety test. Lights shined in my eyes while being asked to follow a pen visually. I FAILED.

One of the two officers doing my sobriety tests announces I've failed. I chuckle because this just can't be, and I tell them so to.

They do a second sobriety test, the exact one again, just done in reverse and standing on the side of the curb in my 4 inch heels. Then I hear, you've FAILED AGAIN.

This just can't be, and I have no idea why they are thinking I am drunk either.

The officers start asking me questions because if I'm not drunk, then surely something must be the matter with me.

Ma'am, have you had a recent head injury?

NO!

Ma'am, are you under a doctors care currently?

NO!

Ma'am, are you on prescription drugs?

NO!

Ma'am, do you were contacts or glasses?

NO!

Ma'am, do you have any current medical issues?

NO!

Then I think of the only thing I can think of to say. With a large nervous smile, I announce...

"I have my period right now, I'm bleeding, does this count"?

With out missing a beat, they ask me to submit to one further sobriety test and I FAIL it again.

It seems that in the dark my pupils can not properly follow a light to their satisfaction.

One officer asks the other if he can find anything concrete. (no booze in the vehicle, consistent story, co operative and certainly not drunk) They can find nothing.

I'm told to get back in the vehicle. With my knees shaking just-a-little, I slide back in the drivers seat.

The police officer asks me if I want them to make sure that I can properly turn on the cars head lights.

My reply " Hell yes, please ensure they are on before you let me go, because I don't want to not have them turned on and risk being subjected to this type of treatment again".

It then takes me a full minute to locate the lights. I get them turned on, they give me the thumbs up and away we go.

One of the three police cars followed us for about eight blocks before veering off to do some real police work.

Just another night in paradise.