the big question

Of all the years I've been out about my sexuality and out about my chosen profession as a sex-activist & educator my mother has never permitted me to tell her what I do for a living.

Don't think I've not wanted to tell her, tried to tell her, pondered how to drop the info into her lap, had her run across it, sent her my biography, something ...anything. But not without her permission, I couldn't.

I have wanted her to know, but my mom has always said no. I have wanted to share myself to help our relationship and because I know that in being known by her in this way I can let go of some of the fear that I have about her finding out about me from another source.

She has chosen not to know. Realize though there have been signs of my passion everywhere, my mother has just over looked them, all!

But really, did I have the right to tell her before she was ready, before she wanted to know? No, not in my books.

I've waited patiently for years with this huge section of myself not known by my mother and waited for the time when she was ready to know.

This evening in a phone call she asked me the big question. "Exactly Jennifer what DO YOU DO for a living?" The emphasis was there finally that she needed an answer.

Knocked the wind out of me for a second her question did. Then with composure gained I told her that I looked forward to the opportunity when we next see one another for us to sit down and discuss my occupation together. It needs a face to face conversation, I said it with a smile in my voice.

She knows so much with all the tid bits exposed subtly and accidently over the years, but has not allowed it ever to be said out loud or pieced together to make something whole.

Her daughter, her child, me, I'm a sex activist and educator whose living a passion and joy filled life that is rich with friends, lovers and opportunities.

Until our upcoming date to talk, I thankfully have some time to find the right words and language necessary to make this eye opening conversation feel safe for my mom, non threatening and smooth.