Abduction Vancouver

The shoes in the photograph above are the pair that I wore to Virgin Saturday night. I took them off at nights end to wander around bare foot and let my feet relax. One of my good friends then slipped them into his bag and kidnapped them, unbeknown to me.

I awoke this morning to said photo and a note that said "The shoes are safe for now."

Then he sent this photo and a note 'At least for the moment."

And still later, the kidnapper sent this "The shoes are turning into quite the little pain slut. I may have to change tactics."

Thus far, my shoes have been kidnapped, assaulted, bound in rope, electrified, pallet wrapped and now threatened with vibration.

I'm not sure if I should pay the ransom .... or not, and see where this sexy scene ends up.

Danier Leather

I had to laugh.

It's funny for a commercial. If it were real life, this would certainly be mean spirited. But as a commercial and a commercial focused on leather, I found it to be intoxicating and amusing all at once.

Check this out, and yes, it is completely work safe too.

Pornography vs Art

Uncle_M produces a lot of fetishy images that land young damsels who are dressed pin-up style in rope bondage that then get's photographed.

Uncle_M does not like it when I say he is a pornographer. He says he is a pleasure artist, not a pornographer.

Uncle_M believes that since his models are clothed, that his work is then not pornographic.

Uncle _M was on BC Ferries yesterday and he sent me this message

"I'm on the ferry coming back from Victoria and hooked into the wifi on the boat. Did you know that libidoevents.com is blocked as being a porn site while pinup bondage is not? Even the government classifies my stuff as art."

I can just imagine his extreme glee at discovering his website as being viewed as artistic, rather than pornographic. He's never going to let me forget this either.

Cannibalism Vancouver

Expert Hand Job

Giving An Expert Hand Job

It's not what you think this about. I'm certain.

Stand at a utility sink with a paint roller in one hand as it rests on the floor of the sink.

Turn on the water and leave it running.

With one hand, firmly grasp the roller while holding it vertically.

With your free hand, wrap your palm around it and squeeze it from top to bottom in long, slow, smooth strokes.

Gently shake the whole package now and again to stimulate the removal of the extra paint.

After repeating the squeezing and pull gesture many times, with warm water running over the roller, a sudden burst will gush out the end.

Stroke fast now, until not one drop of paint is left inside.

You are not finished yet.

Hold up the roller and rinse it off, otherwise when you next use it, you will find yourself with a sticky mess to contend with.

Fight The HST

This was sent to my by my very good friend Craig. And since I don't want to face his wrath, I post it as per his orders.


To my friends in BC, and those of you not in BC but with family and friends in BC:

Read this, chuckle, then (most importantly) go here and find out where in your riding you can sign the petition to fight the HST in person, and then go and sign it -- assuming you agree, of course. (This is not one of those useless online petitions that are a waste of time. It's the real thing.) From what I've heard though, in order for a referendum on this to pass, 50% of voters actually have to vote in the referendum! So when the referendum happens, GO AND VOTE!

Oh, and forward this to everyone you know in BC and post it on your blogs in the next five minutes, or a plague of locusts will descend on you. Honest.


-----


The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of British Columbia. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" she said.

"I would really like to see Gordon Campbell and Colin Hansen before I die."

"I'll see what I can do, Father."

The nurse sent the request to the Premier's office and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived that the Premier and Finance Minister, devout Christians both, were delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Gordon commented to Colin, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us but it will certainly help our images and might even get us some favourable publicity ahead of the HST."

Colin agreed that it was a good thing. When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Gordon's hand in his right hand and Colin's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face. Finally Gordon Campbell spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

"I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."

"Amen," said Gordon.

"Amen," said Colin.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two thieves. I would like to do the same."

Dick Size

Sometimes I have to laugh at how absurd life is. This was a posting on Craigs List, and it ended up in the Best Of section.

What's most amusing about this is these two guys reaction to the mere notion of one another girlfriends seeing their junk. Further, who really cares who has a larger penis? Why, I mean really, why do they care?

Have they not heard the old saying "It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean"?

Penis Measuring

A friend of mine and I have been having a long-standing argument about whose penis is larger. We've tried having our girlfriends confirm to the other the exact size, but neither one of us buy it. I don't want to see his penis and he doesn't want to see mine. I don't want my girlfriend looking at his penis and he doesn't was his looking at mine.

So... We just need a girl to look at both of our penises (individually) and then to both of our faces say which one is bigger. We can't pay much. $50.

Mockery of the Perfect Penis

So yesterday I made a post about the man who wrote to me about his "perfect penis" and how he has a "gift". I have received numerous responses regarding this letter and they have all been silly and fun.

That post of mine inspired yet another reader to send me this

Hi,

So I’m a relatively attractive almost-28-year-old. I take issue with the recent claim by a relatively attractive 28-year-old, as recounted on your blog, that his penis is perfect. My own phallus has always received positive reviews and I will not ignore a gauntlet thus thrown. If he wishes to engage in a dick-measuring contest with the world, let it hereby be known that he will not be unopposed! The aesthetic qualities of my penis can be substantiated by miscellaneous photography, with and without adhesive googly eyes.

You are also welcome to perform in-person measurements and other examinations and evaluations, as deemed appropriate, pleasant, and/or entertaining.

This is exceptionally funny to me for a variety of reasons.

1. I know the man who wrote me the above email.
2. I have touched the penis of the man above and find it to be noteworthy.
3. I have an actual photo of his penis with googly eyes on it (courtesy of his girlfriend)
4. My friends penis would surely and easily win any contest against yesterdays perfect penis.


Ok, this now concludes me mocking the man who gave me so much to laugh at. Back to regular scheduled programming.

Donna's bad joke

This wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up a dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the chesterfield.

At strategic moments she crosses and uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Yes," she answers.

"Thank God for that. I thought the stuffing was coming out of the chesterfield." .

Oh Crap

DEAR MADAM:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS SHOP.

YOU ASKED FOR THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY.

PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM BECAUSE THAT IS OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER.

(thanks for sending me this Donna)

Explanation

Need to figure out sex?

They call this "pen porn".

Check out this highly amusing photo collage of completely safe for work images.

Signage on Bowen Island

from my pervy friend Craig

The Honeymoon


A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what the par is for this damn hole!"

Cock Handling

This job posting was found on Craigs List tonight and was so enticing looking that I thought I would share it here as perhaps someone is in need of work.

Cock handler (Richmond)

Poultry processing plant needs 1 cock handler. Must have experience handling a wide variety of cocks big and small. This is a labour intensive job as you will be on your knees alot and you must have manual dexterity. This is a piece work job if you can handle 50 cocks a day in an 8 hour period you will make good money.

Location: Richmond

Compensation: piece work

This is a contract job.

Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.

Please, no phone calls about this job!

Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

PostingID: 1532170679

Deflated Testicle

Thanks Karen, for solving my truck needed situation from yesterday. It's great to be surrounded by so many wonderful supportive friends. You and your family are amazing.

*** *** *** *** ***

This morning I awoke to a crisis email. The seamstress designing my massive vulva and penis teaching aides, wrote to say that overnight, one of the testicles had become deflated.

I just bought the two (squishy bouncy) balls last week at Toy's R Us, and already one is deflated. Apparently with a slow leak. Not good at all. Plus the seamstress had already put them inside the scrotum, so more work to get them out, and new ones in.


So I was at Walmart early this morning to purchase more balls. And given the dimensions of the completed penis, I was told I could go up a size, so I bought two 10 inch testicles, rather than the 8 inch ones previously. More proportionate.

The original balls, were swirly blue. Irrelevant the color due to them being covered in batting and inside a scrotum. None-the-less amusing that blue balls were used for such a purpose.

This time round, the store had no plain balls in the size needed. I ended up purchasing Disney printed balls. Ready for it ... I ended up with two Tinker Balls. So when you see me using my new aides, you'll know that the testicles are actually Tinkerbell balls.

It is oddly perverse and amusingly enough, just another example of how extraordinary my life is.

Picking the Right Time, Place & Event

Today I bring you a funny, and three event announcements. Enjoy the laugh and come join us at Libido Lounge for these upcoming events.

1. Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman. She asked me if I liked breasts or legs. I told her what I really liked was a shaved pussy. Apparently I'm not welcome back at K.F.C. any time soon.
2. Wednesday tomorrow is Restraining Order, our drop in bondage event. Come by and maybe find yourself tied up, or tie someone else up. There are always people kicking around who are looking for play partners.
3. This Friday is Exploratorium, your chance to sample numerous different types of sensations at the hands of our experiences in house volunteers. It's a drop in event, come on by.
4. Saturday is our Couples Only Sex Party, you'll need to reserve a spot for yourself, so get on it. Like now. jennifer@libidoevents.com

Beavers in BC & Rhino's in Africa

Thank you Jacqueline for putting this lovely beaver shot into my In-Box, both Jason and I found it to be very cute.

And to my good friend C. for sending me this funny, poignant and somewhat sad story about the plight of African Black Rhinoceroses.

Wilbur Smith talking about the past. - A factual account

The plight of the Black Rhinoceros is, or course, due mostly to the value of its horn and the ferocious poaching that this engenders. However, a contributory factor to the declining rhino population is the animals disorganized mating habits.

It seems that the female rhino only becomes receptive to the male's attentions every three years or so, while the male only becomes interested in her at the same intervals. A condition known quite appropriately as "Must" The problem is one of synchronization, for their amorous
inclinations do not always coincide.

In the early Sixties, I was invited, along with a host of journalists and other luminaries, to be present at an attempt by the Rhodesian Game and Tsetse Department to solve this problem of poor timing.

The idea was to capture a male rhino and induce him to deliver up that which
could be stored until that day in the distant future when his mate's fancy
turned lightly to thoughts of love.

We departed from the Zambezi Valley in an impressive convoy of trucks and Landrovers, counting in our midst none other than the Director of the game department in person, together with his minions, a veterinary surgeon, an electrician and sundry other technicians, all deemed necessary to make the harvest.

The local game scouts had been sent out to scout the bush for the largest, most virile rhino they could find. They had done their job to perfection and led us to a beast at least the size of a small granite koppie with a horn on his nose considerably longer than my arm.

The trick was to get this monster into a robust mobile pen which had been constructed to accommodate him.

With the Director of the Game Department shouting frantic orders from the safety of the largest truck, the pursuit was on. The tumult and the shouting were apocalyptic. Clouds of dust flew in all directions, trees, and vegetation were destroyed, game scouts scattered like chaff, but finally
the Rhino had about a litre of narcotics shot into his rump and his mood became dreamy and benign.

With forty black game guards heaving and shoving, and the Director still shouting orders from the truck, the rhino was wedged into his cage, and stood there with a happy grin on his face.

At this stage, the Director deemed it safe to emerge from the cab of his truck and he came amongst us resplendent in starched and immaculately ironed bush jacket with a colourful silk scarf at this throat. With an imperial gesture, he ordered the portable electric generator to be brought forward and positioned behind the captured animal. This was a machine which was
capable of lighting up a small city, and it was equipped with two wheels that made it resemble a roman chariot.

The Director climbed up on the generator to better address us. We gathered around attentively while he explained what was to happen next.

It seemed that the only way to get what we had come for was to introduce an electrode into the rhino's rear end, and to deliver a mild electric shock, no more than a few volts, which would be enough to pull his trigger for him.

The Director gave another order and the veterinary surgeon greased something that looked like an acoustic torpedo and which was attached to the generator with sturdy insulated wires. He then went up behind the somnolent beast and thrust it up him to a full arms length, at which the Rhino opened his eyes very wide indeed.

The veterinary and his two black assistants now moved into position with a large bucket and assumed expectant expressions. We, the audience, crowded closer so as not to miss a single detail of the drama. The Director still mounted on the generator trailer, nodded to the electrician who threw the switch and chaos reigned. In the subsequent departmental enquiry the blame
was placed squarely on the shoulders of the electrician. It seems that in the heat of the moment his wits had deserted him and instead of connecting up his apparatus to deliver a gentle 5 volts, he had crossed his wires and the Rhino received a full 500 volts up his rear end.

His reaction was spectacular. Four tons of rhinoceros shot six feet straight up in the air. The cage, made of great timber baulks, exploded into its separate pieces and the rhinoceros now very much awake, took off at a gallop.

We, the audience, were no less sprightly. We took to the trees with alacrity. This was the only occasion on which I have ever been passed by two journalists half way up a Mopane tree.

From the top branches we beheld an amazing sight, for the chariot was still connected to the Rhinoceros per rectum, and the director of the game department was still mounted upon it, very much like Ben Hur, the charioteer.

As they disappeared from view, the rhinoceros was snorting and blowing like a steam locomotive and the Director was clinging to the front rail of his chariot and howling like the north wind which only encouraged the beast to greater speed.

The story has a happy ending for the following day after the director had returned hurriedly to his office in Salisbury , another male Rhinoceros was captured and caged and this time the electrician got his wiring right.

I can still see the Rhinoceros's expression of surprised gratification as the switch was thrown. You could almost hear him think to himself. "Oh Boy! I didn't think this was going to happen to me for at least another three years".

Quick Sex Change

Conservatives Warn Quick Sex Change Only Barrier Between Gays, Marriage

Male Exam Volunteer

Two gems of ads this past week I've had the privilege of reading. Both from Craigs List.

This one invites some lucky fellow to drop trou, and get his penis examined along with his prostate. All this and they will PAY YOU too.

Good times for some kinky chap, if he can snatch up the opportunity before some vanilla guy gets it with no idea of what a cool offering it really is.

Date: 2009-05-21, 10:07AM PDT


The Boucher Institute of Naturopathic Medicine requires one more person for a male physical exam on June 9.

The male exam is performed at the Boucher Clinic by 2nd year naturopathic medical students and supervised by board certified naturopathic doctors. Each exam will include the following: examination of penis and testicular exam, assessing for hernias, and a rectal and prostate exam. A total of 3 students will perform a male exam on each of the models.

The appointment will be a half hour and each volunteer will be paid $75. You can find out more about the Boucher at: http://www.binm.org/index.html
There is only one opening left. Others will be put on a waiting list. Please contact Colleen for further information.

• Location: New Westminster
• Compensation: $75
• OK to highlight this job opening for persons with disabilities
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
• Please, no phone calls about this job!
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Actual ad can be read here on Craigs List.

Soiled Panties - Vancouver

Spied this on Craigs List and well yeah, it made me giggle. She's retiring, so but of course she would be selling her collection of knickers....

Retiring escort (sorry guys, I'm getting married!) has an amazing lingerie collection and what to do? Would you like to own a pair of sexy panties from a hot woman who's worn them during some amazing escapades?

Laundry-fresh panties for $10 or so-very-dirty worn panties for $15. No two designs alike - all good lingerie brands and no granny panties. Sizes are medium, range from 6 to 10. More photos on request..

Will mail, or they can be delivered in person for an extra charge - email for details. No sex! Lingerie only.

Trannies are totally welcome! I've got some other clothes too...