and life continues on

Wow time flies, it seems I have been negligent in posting for three whole months. Tsk tsk, this was not intentional on my behalf. It happened more due to my being caught up in life, you know how that goes I am sure.

So let's bring you up to speed on where life has taken me, I'll keep it brief and just hit the high points. Then as I start to blog again more often, you'll have some frame of reference for things.

Currently I have a head and chest cold and Jason is over due for his post vasectomy cum in a cup appointment.

Last month I turned 39 years old and celebrated with a trip to Las Vegas. While in Vegas, Jason and I finally were married, it was all previously planned and we even did it live on the internet. The ceremony was progressive and exactly what we wanted it to be for us. Want to watch it, write me and I'll send you the link.

The end of this month Pickle will be two, its rather remarkable how fast he is growing up. My daughter will be eighteen soon and the difference between raising them both is just night and day.

The Lounge turned four this month already, it's kinda crazy. Over 2000 members at this point, this next year is a time of great change for my professionally.

My relationships continue strong and steady. Allena's cancer has been kicked and she made the decision to forgo augmentation and during it all she met someone super special to her. Amy remains a spit fire and so not one to fit into a label and the rest of the tribe are quite seriously more of a handful than I am.

Ben makes me laugh and reminds me to give myself a break now and again, I admire his outlook on life. Marilyn is the friend I wish I had twenty years ago, she has wisdom that I cherish. Sheryl shows me that one woman is capable of so much on her own. Victoria's struggles are an obvious reminder to me to take the time to listen to others, she is a source of strength. Judy is proof that regardless of age, love and a reshaping of ones life is always possible. Lisa has shown me a steady relationship of friendship based on respect. Clive hears me and always has the time, his family values are admirable and his advice is sound.

My health has been on a slow climb out of the depths of hell thankfully, but not without much suffering, piles of money spent on drugs and a lot of medical professionals helping me. To be fair, Jason carried me through the worst of it, and when he was unable to do it any longer, the hospital was there for me to be admitted to.

We did a complete remodel on the outside of our home as well and the renovation process was enough to make me feel like running away. But it's done now and damn, does it ever look fantastic. Both Jason and the companies we hired did a way better job than I ever could have hope for.

My Taboo Sex Show touring schedule for 2011 - 2012 started last week with a four day teaching gig in Calgary. Later this week, I head off to Edmonton to do it all over again, then no more shows till January with Taboo.

It has been a time of great introspection for me these past few months, I feel as though I am coming out of a fog. The rat race had kept me busy for so long, that slowing long enough to check in with me and take care of my family and priorities was just suddenly a must do item for me.

Mastectomy

It was supposed to be a lumpectomy and it turned into a mastectomy.

Allena's surgery was yesterday and she was doing well last night at bedtime when I last spoke to her, the drugs had her in no pain and she was coherent too.

The joy in her voice, over getting new breasts due to all of this, was contagious. Get through treatment next and then new perky tits for Bella.

Every cloud has a silver lining right?

Can this really be happening?

This post is likely going to bounce all over the map, as my head is full of half thoughts twirling round and round.

Saturday was the Lounges Valentines Day party --- and by all accounts the night was epic. Out of town guests, a day of bondage classes and great people made the party as awesome as it was. But the day was long, we arrived to the Lounge at 9 in the morning and left at 1:30 the next morning.

There are more than just clients and attendees that attend our events, many of those present are our friends. And this is exactly why days like today can happen, because its easier to hustle for those you care for.

What was so over the top for us was having to pick up Pickle from the babysitters at 2 in the morning, by the time we drove home and got to bed ourselves it was three o'clock.

Sunday we were up early, as we had a day trip to Tulalip, Washington. Our destination, reserve land, and the home of a wise man. Allena had chosen her tribe and called upon us to join her in a special Sweat to offer healing before her surgery. It was memorable and in all honesty, I learned many things that I am not quite yet ready to articulate. Maybe one day, I'll write about what it looked like to be present for such an event, but not now.

I would do anything for Allena, go anywhere for her, topple over anyone in her way, move mountains and cross borders to get to her, reach out and drag her towards me if she needed me, and even give her parts of myself --- we are fam-ily. We drove home along the I5 talking about living and our families plans for life. At 11 last night we pulled into our driveway, absolutely positively spent.

By the time we visited with the teenager who was baking cookies, and the car had been unloaded, all we could do was to crawl into bed. Jason pulled me in tight, his breath almost becoming my own as I inhaled his scent and basked in the glow of his loving support. We are both done in.

Today I recover from the weekend and gather my emotions to support Allena Tuesday as that's her surgery day. Oddly enough the last couple of days, everywhere I look there are signs of what we are journeying through. The breast cancer emblem is everywhere, commercials filled with optimism and joy are on television and I have to say, that there are countless stories of hope. And in that I find strength.

Cancer Sucks

It wasn't my news to tell, yet I have known for a short while now. Last time we were in Seattle a couple of weeks back, the day we arrived, my partner Allena was scheduled for a breast biopsy. Jason cooked us all dinner the night she returned from her first procedure and we sat around at her place with Pickle, loving one another as family does during such stressful times.

When Bella called a few days later I knew as soon as I saw her voice messages on all my phones.

Allena, the love of my life, has cancer.

This Sunday we will be in a Sweat on a native reserve just outside of Seattle, as a friend of ours is hosting this magnificent ceremony to honor her.

Allena may be the one that is sick right now, but we are all going to fight the cancer together.

I am sad that a woman so beautiful, strong and vivacious has been hit with this bitterly ugly disease and that in turn it is changing how our world looks so fast.

Damn it.

Good Morning and a Happy Day

Weekend Reviewed

The past few days have been so busy with events and travel, that I have had hardly any time to sleep at all. In fact, I am so tired as I am writing this, that the nausea is overwhelming. I am not the sort of person able to cat nap and will need to wait it out till this evening, when finally, my head can hit the pillow for an extended period of deep sleep.

Friday night there was a private event at the Lounge and though it was hosted by people we know, certainly, we still had to be there. It was our good friend Stephens birthday and the women in his life had orchestrated a surprise party for the occasion. It was a fun to hang out at LL, with no responsibilities. And an "unusual" incident happened at this event that I plan on writing about in detail, after I have caught up on my rest.

Saturday was the inevitable Costco shopping and then home to load the car. Later in the evening was Sultry and I was working it all by myself. I swear the best nights for our bath house party are always the coldest ones -- I had a wonderful experience and even somehow caught myself in amongst the action more times than I even thought I had the energy for.

By the time I arrived back home and climbed into bed it was already 1:30 in the morning Sunday. So at 6:00a.m. when my alarm went off, I was none to happy dragging my sorry, yet very clean ass, out of bed so soon.

By 7:30 Jason, the baby and myself had picked up S, my demo model in New Westminster and we were on our way to BC Ferries.

Our loaded up car, filled with sex supplies, teaching aids and people, made it onto the 9 am ferry to Victoria. By 11:30 I was completely set up.

Over the course of the afternoon, I taught two different classes, each sold out, to 56 women, in my families home. Then I saw a coaching client for an hour appointment.

And as I came downstairs, I noticed the house was all tidied back up again and the dining room table had been set for family dinner. My mother had made us all a scrumptious dinner to enjoy before we had to drive to catch the 9 PM boat back to the mainland.

Being able to teach in my families home, with my families support, and surrounded by so many passionate friendly people, I can only consider myself as blessed.

At 11:40 at night we arrived home. I had seen more people than I can remember, educated powerfully, driven all over hell and back and still managed to find our way back to our nest. Thankfully.

It's possible to have your cake and eat it too. That kind of sums up my weekend in one mouthful. "I worked hard, I played hard and now, I am going down hard." Well, later tonight, after this one last event that I have to work before a few days of rest and relaxation.

Our Little Man

A Year Old

We made it. A year ago last week I gave birth to this gorgeous young man. Pickles first year has been filled with more joy, family, friends and love than can even be imagined.

To all of you who know our family and who have celebrated alongside us, thank you.

Tricks and Treats

Happy Halloween. It's our babies first time in a costume out begging for treats. Our household is so excited for this milestone to be happening that we all dressed up to celebrate.

The teenager took the photo so as you can likely imagine, she looks like a photographer, even though you can't see her. Jason is a charming sailor, I am a pirate and the Pickle is a chicken. Quite the colorful family aren't we?

Maple Ridge Pumpkin Farm

It's Pickles first Thanks Giving and Halloween this month. To celebrate this we took Grandma and her beau, along with the teenager, Jason and I and we headed out to a pumpkin patch today. This place is super cool, you could spend a couple of hours there easily. Check it out for yourself.

We had a blast, or at least I did. There was photo opportunities, pumpkin choosing, animal petting, and lots of walking.

The fresh air and change of pace served me well. And thankfully I ran into not one person that I know while out doing the family thing.

Fail

And with a THUD, the shoe bounced off the hallway wall and promptly ricocheted across the room falling to the ground as abruptly as it had taken flight.

My chest tightened, my breath got short and I could barely think straight.

My god damn wallet was missing and I just knew, that it had been lost.

Convinced of it's disappearance, and believing it never to see the light of day again, my anxiety was through the roof.

"I can't do it anymore, I just can't ..... there is not enough of me to go around" ...."I fucking give up". And then, I stormed out of the room vibrating with angst.

Twenty minutes later of back tracking through my life, numerous phone calls and digging through bags and VOILA. There stood Jason in front of me, holding my Ed Hardy wallet.

Not missing, not stolen, simply misplaced. By me. I had misplaced my wallet and my whole outburst was irrational and unnecessary.

It was all I could do to steer myself into a kitchen chair. Jason pulled up a seat next to me. With out a word, he just gazed deeply into my eyes with such love and compassion, all I could do was sob uncontrollably.

When I able to grab hold of my composure, all I could say was, "I'm sorry".

I'm so sorry that I can't do it all. I'm sorry that I'm having a hard time being everything I want to be. I'm - just - sorry.

So that's my story and I am sticking to it.

Our baby is nine a half months old. Our business is almost three years old. This is a time of tremendous growth again for me personally and professionally. And navigating it, is challenging me.

To remedy this situation and to alleviate some of the pressure I am feeling as a working mother, we are now investigating part time day care.

Now that you know where I am at in life, let's return to regular scheduled programming and blogging.

Still alive

I'm feeling some guilt over not keeping up more with writing this past month. My apologies. But between raising a teenager, keeping up with Jason, working full time and being a mommy again to a fast crawler, my world is now a gong show.

To be, or not to be

My life today is not the one my mother wanted for me.

As I was growing up, it was more than obvious that to make my mother happy and to satisfy her life dream for herself that never was, I was to become a nurse.

Alas this did not happen, thankfully.

It can be said though that I am in the "helping field". And with great pride I assist many people in transforming their lives into a more happy and fulfilled place.

I have gone on to do other great things that my mother never mentioned or declared that I take on.

Thankfully, I am proud of myself.

Joy!

Riding a Bike

Allena gave me a new bike a few weeks ago, so I could drive around town with the baby in tow all summer long. Then earlier today Jason and I went and purchased a a baby stroller that clips onto the bike and pulls the baby along at ground level.

Until this afternoon I had not been on a bicycle in 27 years. The last time I rode a bike, it did not have gears. That is how inexperienced I am as a cyclist. My new bike has twenty one gears and to stop, one does not peddle backwards, rather one utilizes the thumb controls on the handle bars. Very, very freaky.

Jason already had a bike so he was set. We donned our helmets and he quickly gave me a riding tutorial on the street out front of our house, before we began our adventure.

I was lucky that Jason hooked the carrier onto his bike today because I had and continue to have a large learning curve attached to navigating myself on a bicycle. Pickle had such a great ride. First we went to Costco, then we headed out on the open road and over a bridge and up a hill.

My thighs burned. And my legs were wobbly. But I did it. It was fun and bicycling constitutes exercise as well.

The draw backs thus far to biking are that the seat really really hurt my girl bits. And the seat kept pushing my clitoral hood piercing way further out of place to even be considered comfortable. My pelvic floor feels bruised and is not at all pleased with the abuse it suffered.

As I see it, if my pussy is going to hurt from doing something I enjoy, then I best be getting some orgasms attached to it too. No orgasms, means either no further bike riding, or a new seat.

Since I enjoy the bike riding and it is far better than jogging, I now find myself in search of the perfect "seat".

Anyone know if they exist and where to buy an infant helmet?

Daddy and child relationships

It's Father's Day.

Six and a half months ago, Jason became a father for the first time, making today ever so significant for him. That together we created a new life is so important to us as a couple -- it is a dream come true.

Happy Fathers Day my love, you are an incredible daddy and you deserve much happiness.

My own dad? Dead. Gone for years. And it's hard for me to say this, but I have no idea the last time I spoke to him before his death. It had been a number of years. Not the most influential person in my life, yet one of the two people responsible for my having life. So he was important, yet damaging as hell.

I can't say that I miss him my dad. But I can say that I see in Jason and other fathers attributes that I wish my own dad had possessed. No parent can be everything to their child, yet my dad, failed. He failed himself and in that, he failed my brother and myself.

I've called a partner or two Daddy over the years, and its always made the relationship richer and nurtured me in ways that I so longed for.

I call Jason Daddy now and then because I am referring to him as Pickles dad, but not because of a need in me.

It's not my belief that I've outgrown a Daddy girl relationship with my partner. It's just more that I'm so busy being a mommy that finding a way to let myself be that vulnerable again is such a daunting emotional challenge that I am not sure I would ever travel that road again.

It warms my heart to see the love that Jason has for his son and for the teenager. He is the epitome of a perfect Father and I am grateful that we share a life, family, home and love together.

Measured Growth

So yeah, he is cutting his first tooth and barely batting an eye over it. And he is almost, crawling. This week in his little world is huge for him at 6 months and 11 days old.

Drawing to a close

London sex district, we visited many adult stores here.


Berlin tourist walk, just blocks from our hotel. And then Berlins Check Point Charlie which divided the East from the West and behind that, the museum we next spent hours in.


No, we have dropped off the planet. In fact, we are in the US right now in a charming hotel with a full suite.

Tomorrow, we return home to Canada and to our home. What a celebration it will be to climb back into my own bed after seventeen days of travel.

London, Paris and Berlin was a life changing trip for me, my world view has been greatly altered. Plus I learned so much about traveling with a baby and how to navigate through foreign land and languages.

Speaking of wee ones, today Pickle is 6 months old.

Our big boy

Our daughter took this photo this evening of her brother as she was on transit with him bringing him home. We were both at work so the kids spent the evening together - what joy they give us.

Unsolicited Opinion

Let me be the first to disclose that I am a sensitive woman. Certain topics really hit me hard emotionally and I have a great sense of empathy as well.

I was out the other day with Pickle (who is now 5 months old) and I was boutique shopping for pretty dresses to purchase for our fast approaching trip to Europe.

Mr. Pickles started making the usual and to be expected squawking noises of an infant needing to be fed.

I found a suitable bench and pulled the stroller up along side it. After unbuckling the harness and removing him I sat him on my lap to feed him at which time I initiated a conversation with him about how smart and handsome he is. Pickles likes this topic a lot by the way.

An older woman, well older than me, was suddenly standing next to us. I looked up at her smiling and resumed my conversation with my son.

Out of no where this woman starts to talk to me, so of course, unable to move, I politely listen.

She proceeds to tell me that it's good to see mothers like me staying home with their babies. She goes on about how abhorrent it is that some mothers think they can have it all and actually resume working. That if more women were like me and really loved their children they would remain at home until their children were school aged. She then told me what a disgrace it was for children to be cared by nannies, fathers, grand parents and pretty much anyone else aside from their mothers.

I could have stopped her mid spew and informed her that I work full time and I do so by choice. I could have told her it takes a village/community/family to raise a child. I could have told her that I was on time-off to shop and would be returning to my career as soon as I got home that afternoon and handed the baby off to his sister.

Instead I said nothing. I let her believe that I am one of those women who is apparently doing the right thing by not working.

Why you might ask? Because it was correct thing to do. She was set in her ill informed opinion. And I was not willing to waste one moment of alone time with my son to set the record straight with a stranger. Further, I had to finish shopping so I could get back to work.

But back to the first paragraph, her words stung.

I am a good mother because I work, am successful, believe in myself, support my family and LOVE both my career and my children.